You can be a UPC insider

Dear Future Consumer Number 0 72409 20002;

It’s like popping a gigantic industrial gasbag!

Yes, that’s what you and others like you will have been saying for some time a year from now when you remember to thank me. Why? For this simple reason: I can put the future back into your shopping cart.

Some boast, I hear you say. But can you deliver? The answer is yes, only …

I can’t do it alone!

No, I can’t do it alone. I need your face. I’ll have it just for a little while, but when you get it back, you will feel like dating some large computer within the sound of your telephone. That’s my promise to you.

My accountants told me to charge $10, $11, $12, or even $5,000,000 for this service, but I’m letting you have it for the amazingly low cost of one dollar, and I’m trusting you to pay me! How can I do this, in this day of electronically-simulated paranoia? Easy: I know where you live, and I know where you’ll be. How?

That’s where you fit in.

Your new UPC code

Simply take this pattern (known to corporate insiders as the UPC) and have it tattooed on your forehead (any reputable tattoo parlor can do it for a few pennies). Or, gently place the image on your skin and touch a heated iron (synthetic setting) over the area of the pattern. It will automatically mark you for life. After the small scab peels off, you are ready for some of the most thrilling experiences of your short life. You’ll have so much fun, you’ll probably throw away your pets!

Who would have thought several years ago (as I did) that the world of high-speed professional electronic danger would be attainable without an AC bypass? Now, thanks to me, it is … But only if you act immediately. There’s no reason to wait: Do it tomorrow for the future today!

I’m perfectly normal,

Bumper Beanpole Blimpley
Vice-President
Friends of the Genetically Impossible

P.S. I hate to say it, but the future would be here already by now if you were I … don’t make me remind you again!