Form Letter: Attorney Advice

5/5/79

John Smith
Mitchell, Silberberg & Knupp
11377 West Olympic Blvd, Ninth floor
West Los Angeles, CA 90064

Dear Mr. Smith;

Thank you for the receipt acknowledging my retainer payment in the amount of one dollar ($1.00). Thank you also for the copy of your schedule of charges. I hadn’t realized the fees would be quite that high.

In order to save your time and my money, listed below are what I perceive as the most common advice you will be giving me. Should the occasion arise, please simply place a checkmark next to the appropriate action and mail or fax me a copy.

As your attorney, I advise you to …

avoid having your picture taken. It might be used later as evidence against you.
carry this through customs for me.
co-sign this loan. I’m good for it.
don’t call me again. Stick with the schedule and I’ll see you in Rio.
forget the deadline. I can get you extensions from now until doomsday.
garrote the waiter. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic and has it coming anyway.
hit sixteen and stand on seventeen.
ignore those blasted lizards, we have work to do.
keep me out of this. I don’t want to know a thing unless I get a piece of the action.
keep your f***ing hands off my neck.
let me sue them and the horse they rode in on.
let them repossess it, but switch motors first. That’ll show ’em.
make dupes of the negatives in case they get cute after the payoff.
make sure it’s pure. For that kind of money, it better be.
move to a motel downtown for now. They’ll never find you there.
name me as your beneficiary.
pass me the Tequila, a grapefruit, and the survival knife.
pay me in cash. I’ve pretty much tapped out your checking account.
plead the Fifth. Of course, I’ll have to charge you more money now.
see if there’s a discount for taking both of them for all night.
send it by courier. If you mail it they’ll hit you with an additional count of fraud.
set it up as a charity. We’ll be long gone by the time they pierce the corporate veil.
show me how to use this thing to access the main computer at the NSA.
sign everything over to me. If you’re broke they can’t sustain judgment against you.
stonewall the bastards. We’ll win it in court on a technicality.
stop doing that while I’m on the phone.
take the day off and go to the beach.
test-fire one sample from each carton before you take delivery.
turn up the music … my heart feels like an alligator!

Thank you.

Greg Raven