Rewrite by Pat McCormick
September 10, 1979
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT
It is the city at night. A light shines from one window of a tall office building.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
The sign on the door of a suite of offices reads:
S.D. HECTOR AND DAUGHTER
Certified Public Accountants
The offices are empty, except for one. The door is partially open. The sign on the door reads:
MISS HECTOR
Inside, Nancy Hector is working at her desk. The office is large and cluttered with files and paperwork. Miss Hector is a lovely, bright, warm, competent, somewhat untidy accountant. You would not pick her out as the successful accountant that she is. Partly hidden behind her tailored suit is a very attractive woman. At the moment, Miss Hector is going over accounts and rummaging about in the piles on her desk. Something is wrong. She double-checks some figures with her electronic calculator. She shakes her head; something is still wrong with the figures. Taking the accounts, she rises and leaves her office. She walks down a hallway to the computer room. She sits at a computer console. Looking at the account, she types:
VERIFY FROBISHER ACCOUNT — 082663-7
The computer hums and prints out an immediate reply:
ERROR — $26.80
MISS HECTOR
(to herself)
That's what I thought.
She types a message into the computer terminal:
SOURCE OF ERROR?
There is an immediate reply from the computer:
WHO ELSE? NEADLIBBLER
The machine stops. It retraces itself and Xs out "Neadlibbler. It tries again:
LIDNEABBLER
Again, the machine stops. It retraces itself and Xs out "Lidneabbler." Miss Hector rolls her eyes heavenward. She's been through this before with the computer. The computer tries again, this time very slowly and carefully, so as not to make the slightest mistake. It prints:
L E A D N I B B L E R
MISS HECTOR
Oh, come on ---
She types:
WHY DO YOU KEEP PICKING ON TED?
The computer replies:
WHY DO YOU KEEP DEFENDING HIM?
MISS HECTOR
I'm not defen ---
Before she can finish, the computer prints:
OH YES YOU ARE.
She types:
QUIT FOOLING AROUND. WHERE IS THE ERROR?
The machine replies:
HIRING LEADNIBBLER
She types:
DON'T FORGET YOU ARE RENTED. I CAN SEND YOU BACK.
The machine replies:
GOOD. I'LL GET ASSIGNED TO A COMPUTER-DATING SERVICE AND GET YOU FIXED UP WITH AN UNEMPLOYED PIG FARMER, OR AN UNEMPLOYED MANURE SALESMAN IF THE PIG FARMER IS BUSY.
Miss Hector mutters to herself and kicks the cord out of the wall before returning to her office.
INT. - VON SCHIEST AND HANS - NIGHT
Von Schiest is the Chief Agent for the East German Secret Service. At the moment, Von Schiest is dressed in a fencing jacket and is slashing his saber back and forth at one of his spies, Hans, who is standing at attention.
VON SCHIEST
(as he slashes)
So, tomorrow morning I meet the Chameleon. Everything must go as planned. Understand?
HANS
Ja, Herr Von Schiest. Perfection is my hobby.
VON SCHIEST
(continues to slash)
The car must be in the proper place at the exact moment. The radio must be functioning perfectly. Understood?
Hans' clothes are slashed to ribbons by this time.
HANS
(petrified)
Ja. No mistakes.
VON SCHIEST
Did I nick you?
HANS
Let me say this: I will now cancel my plans for a vasectomy.
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Gon Wong, the chief Chinese agent, and two other Chinese agents are sitting in the corner booth of an Italian restaurant. Gon is instructing his sub-agents. The restaurant is heavy on Italian decor; Chianti bottles with candles, red and white checked table cloths, Italian music, etc. In fact, the music sounds suspiciously like the "Theme From the Godfather" with Oriental overtones. The table is filled with many Italian dishes. The three Chinese agents are eating with chop sticks as they talk.
GON WONG
(between mouthfuls)
Now, tomorrow morning when the drop takes place, I'll follow the Chameleon.
He indicates his henchmen in turn as he speaks.
GON WONG
(pointing with chop sticks)
You follow the East Germans — You monitor their communications. Well?
FIRST AGENT
Comrade Gon Wong?
GON WONG
Yes?
FIRST AGENT
What does your Italian fortune cookie say?
Gon Wong picks up his fortune cookie and opens it.
GON WONG
(reading)
'Do not get into the car trunk of a man named Vito.'
INT. DORPOV'S HOME
Dimitri and Leonid, two Russian spies, are walking through the halls of Dorpov's home. In the distance the sound of balalaikas and Russian singing can be heard. The voice belongs to Dorpov. Accompanied by the balalaikas, he is singing a plaintive Russian folk song. As Dimitri and Leonid approach, the music becomes louder.
LEONID
I hate to bother him when he's like this.
DIMITRI
(firmly)
Comrade Dorpov must be told. The information comes right from the top.
LEONID
(resigned)
You're right. You tell him.
Dimitri and Leonid enter a room. Dorpov sits before a roaring fire. He is dressed in the garb of a cossack. Three musicians, also dressed as cossacks, are playing balalaikas. Dorpov is singing sad Russian songs. Tears are streaming down his cheeks.
DIMITRI
(clearing his throat)
Comrade Dorpov.
Dorpov, still singing, waves them away. Dimitri and Leonid exchange woeful looks.
DIMITRI
We've had a communication from Moscow.
The word "Moscow" stops Dorpov and the musicians short. Dorpov looks sharply at Dimitri.
DORPOV
Moscow! What is it?
DIMITRI
Tomorrow morning the Chameleon makes his drop to the Germans.
DORPOV
(delighted)
Ah! The Chameleon! How I look forward to matching wits with the master. I majored in the Chameleon in spy school. Come, let us celebrate! We dance! We sing! We drink!
The music begins. This time, boisterous, cheerful Russian music rings forth. Dorpov grabs a bottle of vodka and pours liberal drinks. They down their vodka and toss the glasses into the fireplace. The residual vodka causes the fire to flare up.
EXT. DORPOV'S HOME - Late Night
The lights in Dorpov's home shine brightly. From inside, the sounds of music, dancing, and merriment issue forth. There is a shouted Russian toast followed by the sound of glasses breaking. A sheet of flame belches out of Dorpov's chimney.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT
Ariel hurriedly enters her apartment and closes the door behind her. She leans against the door in relief. Ariel is wearing dark glasses and a trench coat. She is carrying a makeup box. She is a career girl who has no problem remembering who is number one. Ariel catches her breath. She puts down her makeup box and removes her dark glasses and trench coat. It is now quite clear that Ariel is a very beautiful blonde model. She is healthy, or perhaps "voluptuous" is a better word. There is a knock at the door; "shave and a haircut." Ariel looks heavenward as if to say, "Oh, no." She carefully and quietly tiptoes to the door. She verifies through the peephole; yes, it's he. She takes out a wad of chewing gum and stuffs it over the peephole. She waits hopefully. The knock is repeated.
ARIEL
(imploringly)
Ted, go home.
She waits for an indication that Ted has left. There is a slight scratching sound on the door. She leans closer to listen. Something touches her foot. She stifles a scream. She looks down. Something is wiggling under the door and into the apartment. It is the stem of a rose. Ariel watches with fascinated horror as a long-stem red rose is forced under the door and into the room. The rose emerges, squashed and torn apart, its petals stripped off. Ariel now hears crunching; the sound of a five-pound, heart-shaped box of candy being forced under the door. The whole thing squeezes through, chocolate running, wrappers smearing with smashed candies, the crumpled and flattened box. On the box is written (in chocolate smeared gold), "I'm Sorry." Ariel looks at the squashed box of chocolates. She shakes her head in frustration and resignation.
ARIEL
Ted, what am I going to do with you?
INT. Ted's Apartment - Sunrise
Ted is asleep, snoring softly. Suddenly, the snoring is interrupted by the sound of an alarm clock. Ted's eyes open and he begins looking for the alarm clock. Ted's fist shoots out from the bed covers and pounds the alarm clock into silence. Ted Leadnibbler is a bachelor who has been saving himself for the right girl. At this moment, he believes Ariel to be that girl. He is straight, conservative, and compulsive, handy traits for an accountant. He works for the accounting firm of S.D. Hector and Daughter, where he is a prized employee, especially by Miss Hector. Ted arises from bed. He is wearing spotless starched pajamas, their crease still razor sharp. The pajama top is buttoned all the way to the top. Ted immediately makes his bed. From his bedside table he takes a quarter out of a special case. He bounces the quarter on the bed. Satisfied, he returns the quarter to its case. As Ted walks away from the bed, he passes a travel poster on the wall. The poster features Ariel in France. She is gorgeous. Ted enters the bathroom. Everything is laid out in perfect order. On the wall is another travel poster: Ariel in Rome. Before brushing his teeth, Ted places a cassette in a tape deck and a voice begins an Italian lesson. Ted struggles manfully along with his lesson as he brushes his teeth and shaves. Ted removes his pajamas, carefully placing them on a silent valet and inserting metal pants frames into the pajama bottoms. He steps into the shower and from inside a mountain of soap bubbles tries to carry his end of the conversation.
CUT TO:
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
Ted is out of the shower. He is putting on a conservative business suit. The tape deck is playing a French lesson. He goes to the closet to pick out a tie. Inside the closet, everything is laid out in perfect order, in Ted's own system. The shirts are laid out by color — from conservative white through conservative blue. The same for his suits — he doesn't seem to own a sports coat — and his ties. Everything is immaculate.
CUT TO:
INT. TED'S KITCHEN
On the wall is another travel poster, Ariel in Germany. In the tape deck is a German language cassette. Ted practices his German while fixing breakfast. He is so neat he can fix his breakfast, clean up, etc., in his suit and never get it dirty. While listening to and answering the tape, he methodically sets his morning paper out and scans the front page as he finishes his light breakfast.
CUT TO:
INT. TED'S KITCHEN - LATER
Ted has finished breakfast. He immediately washes and puts away the breakfast dishes. Nothing is allowed to sit or be in the wrong place. He stops momentarily to argue with the tape in German. Ted starts preparing his brown bag lunch. Like a finicky surgeon, all his tools and materials are laid out carefully. First, he prepares his sandwich — whole wheat bread, crust cut off, just the right amount of mayonnaise, mustard, and lettuce, then the bologna. He stops to admire his work; perfection. He compliments himself, in German. He finishes assembling his lunch, an apple, a bag of potato chips, a box of raisins, some carrot sticks, and a stalk of celery. Ted places the different elements of his lunch into a bag. He places a thermos next to the bag. Ted then carefully folds his newspaper. The bag, the thermos, and the newspaper are placed in Ted's attaché case. The attaché case is not particularly unusual, except that it has two distinct bands of color. It is still rather conservative — except to Ted, who considers it a bit flashy. It was a gift from his mother. Ted checks his watch against the kitchen clock. It is 8:30. He picks up the telephone and dials.
INT. ARIEL'S BEDROOM - Morning
Ariel is still in bed, fast asleep. The telephone rings next to her, awakening her. She moans and tries to ignore the ringing. Finally, in disgust — she knows it is Ted calling — she answers the telephone.
ARIEL
(with an edge)
Yes, Ted.
TED
Good morning, Ariel.
ARIEL
Listen, Ted. I told you to stop calling me this early.
TED
I know, but I love to hear your first words in the morning.
ARIEL
I hope you sit on your phone and absorb it into your system. What time is it?
TED
8:31 and 26 seconds.
ARIEL
8:31! I have a photo session today.
Ariel looks in the mirror.
ARIEL
Thanks to your early calls I'm getting more and more circles under my eyes. My face is starting to look like a target.
TED
Gee, honey. I just love to talk with you when I know you're still in bed.
ARIEL
(in misery)
It's nice talking to you if I know you're in a bed that's 3,000 miles away from me.
TED
I'd like to apologize — over dinner tonight?
ARIEL
When you apologize over dinner, do you mind if I'm not there?
TED
But Ariel, we only had one date and that was three months ago when I took you to lunch at the outdoor restaurant by the zoo.
ARIEL
Right. And the giraffe leaned down and licked my dessert — that was the best part of the date.
TED
I thought maybe you could give me another chance.
ARIEL
(annoyed)
I'll give you another chance when the Pope goes on the Newlywed Game and Honduras lands a man on the moon.
TED
OK. I'll call you later.
ARIEL
No you won't!
Ariel tears the phone cord of the the wall plug and buries her head under her pillow. Ted looks at his telephone with admiration.
TED
What a woman! She loves me but she's just playing hard to get.
Ted gives the telephone a playful "stout fellow" punch and wipes off the receiver with a piece of facial tissue.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT
After a final tidying about the apartment, Ted stops to admire his favorite piece: a delicate crystal reproduction of the Venus de Milo, enthroned in its place of honor.
EXT. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted emerges from his apartment building and sets off walking to work. He is carrying his attaché case. A Stranger is hurrying along the sidewalk. It is obvious that the Stranger is late for something. The Stranger is about Ted's build and size. He is dressed in a conservative business suit similar to the suit Ted is wearing. We see him only from the waist up. The Stranger crosses a pedestrian walkway against a red light. Ted continues on his way to the office. He picks his way through the sidewalk traffic. Ted stops for a moment to look in the window of a travel agency. In the window is a travel poster of Ariel. She is visiting the South Pacific. Ted's reflection in the window stares at the poster. Ariel is smashing in a bikini. Ted sighs. He blows the poster a kiss. As he blows the kiss, he notices a loose thread on his cuff. Meticulously, he removes the thread. He continues on his way to his office. He pauses at a sidewalk trash can to deposit the thread.
EXT. - STRANGER
The Stranger is moving faster through the crowd. He checks his watch. With irritation, he shoulders his way through a knot of people. For the first time, we see that the Stranger is carrying an attaché case identical to the case Ted is carrying.
INT. VON SCHIEST AUTO
A long black Mercedes limo is cruising slowly down the street. In the driver's seat is Hans. He is wearing dark glasses. In the back seat sits Von Schiest. Von Schiest is dressed in a conservative business suit similar to the suits of Ted and the Stranger. On the seat next to Von Schiest is at attaché case identical to the cases both Ted and the Stranger are carrying. Von Schiest is intently watching the pedestrians on the sidewalk. Through the window of the limo, Von Schiest sees Ted through a momentary break in the crowds. Von Schiest leans forward with interest.
VON SCHIEST
Slow down, Hans. I think I see him.
(squinting)
Ja, it's him. You can speed up now.
EXT. - TED
walking along the sidewalk. The limo speeds ahead a block or so and pulls over to the curb. The limo stops and Von Schiest, with his attaché case, gets out of the back of the car. He steps onto the sidewalk. The limo speeds off. Ted is approaching Von Schiest, oblivious to the fact that he is being watched. As Ted draws abreast of Von Schiest, Von Schiest turns and begins walking alongside Ted. Ted now becomes aware of Von Schiest. Ted gives him a faint, polite smile. Encouraged, Von Schiest wiggles his eyebrows at Ted. Ted stares back at Von Schiest. Ted begins to walk in long, loping strides in an effort to determine whether Von Schiest means to stay with him. He does. Ted then takes tiny little steps to slow down, hoping Von Schiest will go by. Von Schiest takes tiny little steps, also. Ted breaks into a skip. So does Von Schiest. As they skip along together, Von Schiest gives Ted an elaborate wink and wiggles his eyebrows. Ted reacts. Von Schiest nods slowly at Ted and raises his attaché case. Ted looks around for an escape route — he figures he is being accosted by a looney.
CUT TO:
EXT. - STRANGER
The Stranger is still hurrying along the sidewalk. He passes the travel agency with Ariel's poster in the window. He sees something in the distance — Ted and Von Schiest walking together. The Stranger breaks into a run in an attempt to reach Ted and Von Schiest.
EXT. - TED AND VON SCHIEST
reach a corner and stop for a traffic light. Ted is doing his best to ignore Von Schiest. Behind them, a derelict-looking thief steals a briefcase from another businessman who has set his case down while buying a paper. The thief runs off, then stops to look inside the briefcase. He sees nothing but office papers. He quickly puts the papers back into the attaché case and hurries up behind Ted, who puts his briefcase down while waiting at the light. The thief switches the stolen briefcase for Ted's. He runs a few steps and opens it, finding only the bologna sandwich. The thief closes the case, runs back, and again exchanges cases with Ted. The thief then makes to trade the original stolen briefcase with the one Von Schiest is carrying, but is thwarted when Von Schiest taps the back of Ted's hand with the back of his own. Startled, Ted recoils and knocks over his and Von Schiest's attaché cases. The thief runs off.
TED
(shocked)
Hey, What are you doing?
Ted looks at Von Schiest with irritated disbelief.
VON SCHIEST
(cryptically)
What's the matter, Chameleon?
Ted looks straight ahead in an attempt to ignore this freak. Von Schiest very carefully and very deliberately picks up Ted's attaché case instead of his own. The switch has not gone completely unnoticed, however. In the background, we see Dimitri, disguised as a street repairman. He is holding a jackhammer, but he has been intently watching the switch. Also in the background is Gon Wong, disguised as a blind man. He, too, is very intently watching the attaché case switch. By this time, the Stranger has pulled within sight of Ted and Von Schiest. Unlike Ted and Von Schiest, however, the Stranger sees Dimitri and Gon Wong. After witnessing the switch, the Stranger fades back against a building to watch what happens next. Von Schiest raises a knowing eyebrow at Ted and then slips away through traffic. Ted stares after Von Schiest for a moment, then picks up what he thinks is his attaché case. He shakes his head and walks off, oblivious to the fact that the attaché cases have been switched.
EXT. VON SCHIEST'S LIMO
as it pulls up to the curb. Von Schiest ducks into the back seat and the limo disappears into traffic.
EXT. - GON WONG
Gon Wong glances about and then removes the head of his cane. He speaks into the shaft.
GON WONG
The drop has taken place. I follow the Chameleon. I won't let him out of my sight.
He looks after Ted. A passerby drops a quarter into Gon Wong's tin cup. Gon Wong reacts.
EXT. - DIMITRI
Dimitri has been talking into the radio hidden in the jackhammer.
DORPOV (o.s.)
(filtered)
Don't worry about the plans. Leonid Ivanovich is following Von Schiest. You follow the Chameleon.
DIMITRI
What if he changes disguises on me?
DORPOV (o.s.)
(menacingly)
What if you went to Siberia in just your jockey shorts?
EXT. - TED
Ted continues on his way, unaware of the trail of people following behind. Gon Wong is tapping furiously through the pedestrians in pursuit of Ted. Dimitri is marching along through traffic, his jackhammer slung over his shoulder. The Stranger hurries along unnoticed behind everyone else. Ted reaches his office building and enters. Although unsuccessful in their attempts to remain unobtrusive, Gon Wong, Dimitri, and the Stranger go unnoticed by Ted. Ted pauses in front of the elevators. Gon Wong stands speaking to a marble pillar. Dimitri applies his jackhammer to a potted palm. The Stranger stands inspecting the building directory. Ted looks around and sees Gon Wong talking to the pillar.
TED
Now, that's lonely.
Ted then turns and sees Dimitri poking at the base of the potted palm with his jackhammer. Ted shakes his head; there are a lot of crazies out today. The elevator door opens and Ted steps forward into the cage. Howard, the elevator operator, must be at least 104 years old. He peers at Ted without recognizing him.
TED
Good morning, Howard.
Howard, lost in senility, ignores Ted. Gon Wong, still disguised as a blind man, sees that the elevator doors are about to close. Brandishing his cane and tin cup, Gon Wong sprints across the lobby. He resembles a gazelle while he leaps and swivels his way through an obstacle course of people, maintenance equipment, and other objects between him and the elevator. Gon Wong reaches the elevator just as the doors are about to close. He thrusts his cane in to force the doors open, then resumes his blind-man act. He comes into the elevator swinging and slashing his cane side to side. Unfortunately, he hits Howard in the arm with his cane. Howard reacts in pain and glares at Gon Wong. He mutters to himself as the elevator doors close.
INT. ELEVATOR
Ted and Howard pay no attention to Gon Wong. Gon Wong surreptitiously takes pictures of Ted with his cane.
INT. LOBBY
Dimitri and the Stranger watch the elevator floor indicator to see where Ted gets off. The indicator moves smoothly to the 25th floor and stops. After a moment, the indicator drops like a rock to the 1st floor. The elevator doors open. Howard is standing there unperturbed and alone. After a pause, Gon Wong suddenly crashes to the floor.
HOWARD
(innocently)
Lobby.
Gon Wong picks himself up and staggers out of the elevator. Dimitri whispers into his radio.
INT. 25TH FLOOR
Ted approaches the door to the office. The door reads:
S.D. HECTOR & DAUGHTER
Certified Public Accountants
Ted squares his shoulders and enters. He quickly passes through the reception area and enters the hallway. He slows down when he sees that Miss Hector's door is open. He creeps up to the door and halts. Ted looks around. Is it safe? He sticks his hand in front of the doorway and then quickly pulls it back. He waits. No reaction. Taking a deep breath, he makes his move. He tries to walk quickly past her door without being noticed.
MISS HECTOR (o.s.)
Ted, would you step in here, please?
Resigned, Ted enters. Miss Hector is looking at an open file on her desk. She looks up at Ted and smiles.
MISS HECTOR
Good morning, Ted.
TED
God morning, Miss Hector.
Miss Hector moves from behind the desk and sits down on a small office couch. She pats the cushion and motions for Ted to join her.
MISS HECTOR
Have a seat.
Ted looks around. All the chairs have files stacked on them. Ted jumps up and sits on a stack of files on a chair.
MISS HECTOR
You're going to fall. Why don't you sit next to me?
TED
I'm quite comfortable here, thanks.
MISS HECTOR
Well, I have to talk to you about the Frobisher account.
TED
Fine. Where is it?
MISS HECTOR
You're sitting on it. The computer says there's a discrepancy.
TED
That computer is out to get me. I know it sounds crazy, but yesterday I think it bit me.
Miss Hector stands up and walks over to Ted, who is still perched atop the files on the chair. She moves in real close, looking at him lovingly. She reaches her hand between his legs.
MISS HECTOR
I think I know how to straighten it out.
Ted looks down at the hand moving between his thighs. He panics, and starts leaning forward. He puts his arms around Miss Hector. Miss Hector closes her eyes and swoons.
TED
What are you doing?
He pushes back and gets his balance, sitting upright again. Miss Hector is a little embarrassed. She reaches between Ted's legs and quickly pulls a ledger out of the pile he's sitting on.
MISS HECTOR
These are the Frobisher accounts receivable. This is where the trouble lies. There's $26.80 that you haven't accounted for.
Ted leaps to his feet. He pulls out his wallet and fumbles through it, looking for money to buy his way out of the situation.
TED
Here. Here's $30. It's all the cash I have on me. Give it to Frobisher.
Ted slaps the money down.
MISS HECTOR
(in pursuit)
Ted, you've been an accountant long enough to know — everything's got to balance. You've got a pocket calculator; put it in your pocket and we'll go over to my place. I've got a Frank Sinatra recording of 'Music to Account By.'
TED
Look, Miss Hector — I ---
MISS HECTOR
I want to help you. We'll bang away on it — all night, if necessary.
TED
Good idea!
Ted grabs the folder, removes the papers, and hands them to Miss Hector. He keeps the empty folder.
TED
I would appreciate your working on it. I'll see you in the morning.
Ted flees. Miss Hector's reaction is startled, then frustration, and finally, loving admiration, as if to say, "What a man."
INT. MISS HECTOR'S OFFICE - LATER
Miss Hector is seated at her desk. Her mother, Sarah, pops in. Sarah is tall, sophisticated, attractive, and self-assured — a Bea Arthur type. She is carrying a bouquet of flowers. Miss Hector looks up and smiles.
MISS HECTOR
Hi, Mom.
Sarah hands Miss Hector the flowers. While she does this, she looks about the office, reacting to the clutter.
SARAH
Morning, dear. I thought these might cheer up your office.
(sarcastically)
The office looks great. Anybody killed in the explosion?
MISS HECTOR
I leave the office this way on purpose. If a robber breaks in, he'll think we've already been hit. Thanks for the flowers.
Miss Hector looks about her desk for some container for the flowers. Finding none, she dumps all the pencils and pens out of the leather pencil container that is part of her matching desk set. Sarah averts her eyes from the pile of pencils, pens, paper clips, etc., as Miss Hector places the flowers in the container and fills the container with water from a pitcher.
SARAH
I passed by Ted in the hall: He's a real pleasure to pass by. Where was he going so fast — to a doily festival?
MISS HECTOR
Mother. I know he doesn't seem very exciting, but there's something about him ---
SARAH
Yes, I know. When I was young, I had a crush on Lawrence Welk. It doesn't work. Get rid of him before you start saying 'Ana one, ana two, ana ---"
MISS HECTOR
It's just that we have a certain chemistry, Mom. Hydrogen by itself is not much, and oxygen by itself is not much, but put hydrogen and oxygen together and you get water.
SARAH
Yes, and you put sulfur together with carbon and you get something that stinks. Don't forget you flunked chemistry.
MISS HECTOR
He has nice qualities. He's bright, he's punctual, he's dependable, neat, and he even wears imported socks.
SARAH
Listen, for a lasting relationship, you need something lively, vital, interesting. Being with him is about as interesting as working on the night shift in a teabag factory.
MISS HECTOR
Come on, Mother. You married an accountant.
SARAH
That's the point, dear. Learn from my mistakes. Do you realize on our wedding night your Father went around the bridal suite and added up the total number of Watts in all the light bulbs? I was afraid to take him to the beach; I thought he might count the grains of sand.
MISS HECTOR
But you loved him, Mom.
SARAH
That's true, I did. But I thought maybe you'd have a better chance with someone a little more exciting, like a bull fighter, or a white hunter, or an air traffic controller, or a clown — anybody — but not an accountant.
MISS HECTOR
I've tried all those guys.
(she laughs)
Seriously, Mother, I can't help it. These things happen. Elizabeth Taylor married Eddie Fisher. I like Ted. Let's face it, I love the guy.
SARAH
Listen, dear. If you're going to be a fool, do it right. You come on too strong. You make Linda Lovelace look coy.
MISS HECTOR
I know. I just get impatient. I feel if I don't come on to him, nothing will happen.
SARAH
There's more than one way to skin an accountant. Buy a Halston dress. Wear some Givenchy perfume. Let him see you riding side saddle. Show him some class. Show him some style.
MISS HECTOR
And then hire a valet to carry me to Tiffany's, I suppose?
SARAH
(ignoring her)
Also, make him a little jealous.
MISS HECTOR
How?
SARAH
I don't know — put a nude picture of Burt Reynolds on your desk.
MISS HECTOR
I hope something works. I'm so confused I'm getting romantic tips from reading Biker Chick magazine.
Sarah sees the spilled water on the desk.
SARAH
You are a little sloppy. I can always tell what you had for lunch by the stains on the letters you send me.
MISS HECTOR
(not listening)
I've got to do something.
SARAH
Dear, if you must have him — and heaven knows why — take it easy. Cool it — not so strong. And, show a little skin.
Sarah winks at Miss Hector and exits.
MISS HECTOR
Show skin? Then I guess giving him an x-ray of myself won't work.
INT. VON SCHIEST AUTO
Von Schiest is in the back seat. Ted's attaché case is on his lap. Von Schiest drums his fingers anxiously upon the attaché case. Finally, he decides he can wait no longer. He opens the case. He checks the newspaper and quickly discards it. He turns his attention to the paper bag. He lifts it out of the case with curiosity. He carefully opens the bag and peers inside. He reacts. Disdainfully, he empties the bag. Ted's lunch comes tumbling out. He paws through the food with growing rage. The bologna sandwich is the last straw.
VON SCHIEST
Hans!
HANS
Ja?
VON SCHIEST
He's cheated us! They aren't here. He must still have them.
Von Schiest reaches for his radio.
INT. LOBBY
Gon Wong and Dimitri are still there. Gon Wong's cane makes a buzzing sound. He removes the head of the cane and places it to his ear.
VOICE (o.s.)
(filtered)
We intercepted a transmission from Von Schiest. The Chameleon still has the plans. If you can't get them, kill him.
Dimitri also has received some instructions. He is speaking into the radio hidden in his jackhammer.
DIMITRI
Right. The plans must not fall into enemy hands. If I don't get them, I kill him.
INT. TED'S OFFICE
Blissfully unaware of what is going on, Ted sits at his desk going over the travel expenses of one of his clients. He is openly envious.
TED
Boy, all this guy does is travel and spend money. Nine hundred bucks just for champagne at the Ritz in Paris. Two hundred and fifty for cigars. Paris. Vienna. Rome.
(daydreaming)
Garcon! Some wine; Lefitte-Rothchild. 1760. BC. And some cigars. Not Lefitte cigars, two feet cigars. And a woman. Lefitte wine, two feet cigar, and six feet woman. That's living.
(back to reality)
Some day ---
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING
Outside Ted's office building, a number of mysterious men in trench coats have taken up various strategic positions. They watch the building intently. Each is there as a back-up to the secret agents already waiting for Ted.
INT. TED'S OFFICE
Ted is trying to figure out the present monetary exchange values in different countries. He is on the telephone, putting people on hold and punching buttons as he switches back and forth from call to call. This in itself would be bad enough. The problem is that each one of these telephone conversations must be conducted in a different language. Ted is struggling through, but it is clear that he is losing the battle as the conversations become faster and faster and begin to merge with one another.
INT. MISS HECTOR'S OFFICE
Miss Hector is sitting at her desk, still fighting with the Frobisher account. She now has an ink smudge across her nose, of which she is unaware.
MISS HECTOR
(muttering)
Come on, dammit. Ted couldn't make a mistake like that.
Frustrated, she stands up and walks to the window to stare outside. She gradually focuses on her reflection in the glass. The ink smudge is barely visible. She glances at it and then idly tries to wipe it off the glass. It remains. She shrugs and returns to her work.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING
Snipers are taking up positions on the rooftops around Ted's building.
INT. MISS HECTOR'S OFFICE
Miss Hector is working at her desk. She checks her watch. It is time for lunch. She carefully pats her hair into place and unbuttons the top button of her blouse. She thinks a moment, recalling her mother's advice, then unbuttons the next button. She then flips a switch on the intercom.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, care to join me for lunch?
Ted glares at his intercom. He flips the switch.
TED
No thanks, Miss Hector.
MISS HECTOR
My treat. Ill give you change for the men's room. I'll give five dollars for every bite you take.
TED
No thank you. I have work to do.
MISS HECTOR
The work can wait.
TED
The work can wait? What if Lincoln said that? Alex Haley would still be a slave.
MISS HECTOR
I know a nice new French restaurant. It's so exclusive the waiter only speaks Arabic. And exotic dishes? They serve an octopus that is arm-wrestling itself. Come on, Ted. It's great. Dark, romantic lighting — candlelight and a bottle of wine.
TED
I'm allergic to candlelight.
MISS HECTOR
We can have truffles, caviar, and Crepes Suzette.
TED
No thanks. I've got a bologna and lettuce.
MISS HECTOR
I think this intercom is picking up signals from Poland. I thought I heard someone say "bologna and lettuce."
TED
I'm sorry, Miss Hector. Maybe another day.
MISS HECTOR
Tomorrow.
TED
(insincere)
Fine. Fine. Tomorrow.
Ted returns to work. The talk of lunch, however, has taken its toll, as Ted realizes that he is hungry. He carefully clears a place on his already-neat desk, and sets Von Schiest's attaché case down. Ted opens the attaché case. It is filled with one million dollars in cash, all in $1,000 bills. Ted, annoyed that his lunch is not where he expected it to be, does not immediately comprehend what he is looking at. He shuffles through the cash looking for his lunch.
TED
Dammit. I've got to get more organized. I could have sworn I put my lunch in here.
He looks underneath some of the bundles of money.
TED
What's all this money doing in here?
Finally, it dawns on Ted what he is doing. He quickly slams down the lid of the attaché case and sits atop it. He jumps off, stares at the case. He slowly opens it, just a crack, and peers in. The money is still there. He slams down the lid again and circles the desk. Finally, he musters his courage, opens the case, and holds one of the packets of bills to his ear as he riffles through it with his thumb. He takes the money to the postal scale and weights it in an effort to determine how much is there.
TED
(calculating mentally)
A million dollars.
(whispering)
A million dollars? That's more money than there is in Ethiopia.
As Ted stares at the money, the door to his office opens behind him and Miss Hector enters. She does not see the money.
MISS HECTOR
Embezzlement!
A startled Ted slams shut the lid on the attaché case.
TED
Wha?
Miss Hector crosses to Ted's desk and tosses a brown envelope on top of the attaché case.
MISS HECTOR
A confession.
TED
Look, so help me, I didn't steal it.
MISS HECTOR
I know. The computer confessed. It tried to frame you on the Frobisher account. It was obviously after your job.
TED
I just opened my case and there it was.
MISS HECTOR
(slightly confused)
There what was?
Ted opens the case and turns it to show Miss Hector.
MISS HECTOR
Wow! When you said you were having lettuce for lunch you really meant it. Where did it come from?
Ted absent-mindedly stuffs the envelope with the confession into his coat pocket.
TED
I don't know, but somewhere there's a guy who owes someone a million dollars and he's trying to get them to accept a bologna sandwich instead.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, are you in some kind of trouble?
TED
I don't know where this came from. Honest. I know; I'll ask the police if anyone has called the lost and found lately looking for a million dollars.
Ted picks up the phone and dials.
TED
I'm calling the police, see? I'm honest.
(into the phone)
Hello, police? Is anyone looking for a million dollars in cash? I have it. I don't know where I got it, but I found a million dollars.
INT. POLICE STATION
Ted is talking to a bored Sergeant, who is idly flipping through "Crime and Punishment" while on the phone.
SERGEANT
Sure, sure, Mac. Bring it in.
INT. TED'S OFFICE
Ted wipes off the telephone and puts it back on the cradle.
TED
Well, the police believe me. They told me to bring it down.
MISS HECTOR
Are you sure you're not in some kind of trouble?
TED
What trouble? It's just some kind of mix-up. I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
MISS HECTOR
You're not dealing drugs, are you?
TED
Drugs? I'm afraid to drink Sanka. Look, I'm clean, I'm straight. It's a bum rap.
(slumping)
Good God, I'm starting to talk like a crook!
MISS HECTOR
Whatever you've done, Ted, you know I'll stand behind you. We'll face it together.
Ted starts to reply, then closes his mouth in frustration. He notices that Miss Hector appears genuinely concerned. He grabs the attaché case and begins to exit.
TED
Well, I have to run this down to the police station.
MISS HECTOR
Be careful. OK?
INT. LOBBY
Ted, attaché case in hand, walks through the lobby. The agents are caught off-guard, and Ted is out the door before they react.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING
Ted hails a cab. Across the street, a sniper draws a bead on Ted's. Just as the cross-hairs align on Ted's head, a cab arrives and Ted ducks into it. The bullet whizzes past Ted's head. Unaware of what it is, Ted brushes at the noise of the passing bullet as if it was an insect.
INT. CAB
The cabbie is Gon Wong.
TED
Take me to the nearest police station, please.
Unseen by Ted, the real cabbie is tied up on the floor of the front seat of the cab. Bound, gagged, and semi-conscious, the cabbie moans and starts to sit up. Gon Wong saps the cabbie over the dead. The cabbie collapses with a groan.
TED
What was that?
GON WONG
Just having a little trouble with the meter.
Gon Wong grinds the gears horribly attempting to complete a shift. Finally finding a gear, Gon Wong lurches away from the curb shakily. Ted looks nervously about. He notices the posted license for the driver. It has a photograph of the cabbie and the name "Nathan Glickstein." Ted stares at the photograph, then at the reflection of Gon Wong in the rear view mirror, then back at the photograph. Gon Wong watches Ted in the mirror.
GON WONG
Something wrong?
TED
Are you Nathan Glickstein?
TED
You can read, can't you?
TED
Yeah, but the name Glickstein ---
GON WONG
A mixed marriage. The Glick is Chinese and the Stein is Jewish.
TED
What nationality is this picture?
GON WONG
Oh, that's my rickshaw license. Here. Here's the right picture.
Gon Wong puts a picture of the back of his head into the slot, covering the cabbie's picture. He then turns forward to show the back of his head.
GON WONG
You see?
Ted looks at the back of Gon Wong's head at at the picture of the back of Gon Wong's head. They look the same.
TED
That's more like it.
Satisfied, Ted sits back. Suddenly, he sees something else and sits up.
TED
Hey! You just passed the police station.
Gon Wong slams on the brakes. He turns around in his seat and looks at Ted.
GON WONG
You can get out --- Gon Wong pulls a points a gun at Ted.
GON WONG
-- After you hand over the plans.
Before Ted can react to this incomprehensible behavior, the cab is struck by another car. Gon Wong is thrown off balance and drops the gun. Ted leaps from the cab.
EXT. STREET
Ted rushes to a nearby car for help. The back window of Von Schiest's limousine slides down and Von Schiest, with a diabolical grin, shoves a gun in Ted's face. Ted reacts. Von Schiest beckons to Ted in a sinister manner.
VON SCHIEST
Get in, Chameleon.
TED
You again? Gee, I'd like to, but I'm late for a Bar Mitsvah.
Ted starts to walk away, but Von Schiest opens the door and takes the gun off safety with a very loud click.
TED
On second thought, I really could use a lift.
Ted reluctantly steps into the car. The door slams and the limousine speeds off.
VON SCHIEST (o.s.)
What are you going to turn into now, Chameleon?
TED (o.s.)
I'd like to turn into the nearest police station.
INT. LIMOUSINE
A smiling Von Schiest is holding his gun on Ted.
VON SCHIEST
Well, Chameleon, we finally meet face to face.
TED
Chameleon? I'm an accountant. Look, ink smudges on every finger.
Von Schiest points the gun at Ted's head.
VON SCHIEST
Don't play games with Von Schiest.
TED
Didn't I hear your name once in a men's room in Berlin?
VON SCHIEST
(menacing)
I paid you the million. Now hand over the plans. Be quick about it.
TED
Plans? I don't have any plans. But can I still keep the briefcase?
VON SCHIEST
(his voice rising)
I warn you; patience is not one of my virtues. Isn't that right, Hans?
HANS
Hmm? What was that?
VON SCHIEST
Patience, dumkopf!
Von Schiest stamps his feet.
VON SCHIEST
Well, is it?
HANS
No. I mean yes — I mean no — I ---
VON SCHIEST
Fool!
Von Schiest fires a shot at Hans. The bullet ricochets around the inside of the limousine.
TED
Is this a pong game?
VON SCHIEST
(to Hans)
Well, is it?
HANS
A definite no!
VON SCHIEST
(satisfied, to Ted)
See? Hans knows. He knows me. He's been with me longer than anybody else — three days.
HANS
This job is fun. The last job I had was chauffeur for Idi Amin.
Von Schiest levels the gun at Ted.
VON SCHIEST
Now, the plans!
TED
I don't know about any plans. Believe me. If I did, you'd be the first person I'd give them to.
Ted, with the tip of his finger, gently moves the gun barrel so that it is pointing over his head. Von Schiest returns the point of the gun to chest level.
TED
That's my heart. I need it.
Again with the tip of his finger, Ted moves the end of the gun downwards. It is now pointed at his crotch. This time, Von Schiest doesn't move it back. Pause. Ted realizes where the gun is pointed and with great reluctance, Ted gently, with sincerity, lifts the gun back up to chest level.
TED
I need that more. Please believe me! Look, mister, CPAs don't lie.
Crash! The limousine comes to a sudden halt as it is rammed by another car. Von Schiest is thrown against Ted. Ted grapples with him and grabs the gun.
TED
(lecturing)
Pointing guns is not nice. And scaring people by going ---
Ted inadvertently fires a shot into the roof. The bullet ricochets around the limo. Ted and Von Schiest follow the bouncing bullet with their eyes as it ping-pongs about.
TED
Open a window and let it out.
HANS
A definite no! I think you killed the ash tray.
TED
-- Or threatening to shoot people in the ---
Ted fires into the floor. Von Schiest covers his crotch with his hands.
VON SCHIEST
I still got a chance to have children.
HANS
(confused)
Yes?
TED
Ah, ah — up with the hands.
Ted pulls the trigger again. The gun only clicks. He tries again. The gun is empty. Von Schiest smiles, reaches into his coat and pulls out a switchblade. He snaps it open. Ted blanches.
TED
I believe this is yours.
Ted tosses the gun at Von Schiest, throwing him off balance. Carrying the attaché case, Ted bolts from the limousine.
EXT. STREET
Ted exits from Von Schiest's limo and rushes to the Driver of the other car.
HANS
I should have gone to Paraguay with Martin Borman.
TED
(to Driver)
I don't have the plans! No plans! Don't shoot!
DRIVER
Plans? I don't need any plans.
TED
You don't?
DRIVER
(puzzled)
No. All I need is the name of your insurance company. You ran right into me.
Ted looks back at Von Schiest's limo.
TED
He's with Mutual of Berlin.
Von Schiest and Hans get out of the limousine. Ted flees on foot, disappearing around the corner.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION
Ted enters the police station. He pauses momentarily to catch his breath. He comes forward to speak to the desk Sergeant. The Sergeant is reading "The Works of Chaucer," and ignores Ted.
TED
(in one breath)
Name is Leadnibbler, called you earlier, sandwich in my attaché case turned into a million dollars, there was a gun — lots of guns — accidents — plans — but I didn't — and here it is.
The Sergeant doesn't even look up.
SERGEANT
Red line.
TED
Huh?
SERGEANT
Red line.
The Sergeant points over the desk to a red line on the floor.
SERGEANT
Follow it.
Ted follows the red line three feet to the side and back up the front of the desk to a "Take A Number" sign. Ted begins to protest.
TED
Hey, there are guys with guns chasing me!
SERGEANT
(unimpressed)
We got rules, mister. Take a number and wait your turn.
Resigned, Ted reaches over and takes a number. It is number 2. Ted reacts; that's not too bad. The Sergeant turns away from his book to look at the clock on the wall. Break time is over. He sighs, places a bookmark in his book, puts the book down on the desk wistfully, then leans over a microphone.
SERGEANT
Number fifty-seven.
Ted reacts. A little old Lady leads a battered and bloody mugger up to the Sergeant's desk.
LADY
Officer, this young gentleman — I guess I should say young man — accosted me in front of the post office. Well, I kicked him in the testicles and then cold-cocked him with a roll of nickels.
TED
Excuse me, lady, but I've got guys after me with guns.
SERGEANT
(to Lady)
Excuse me, ma'am.
(to Ted)
Mac, I'm gonna tell you just once. Go wait your turn in the waiting room.
The Sergeant gestures with his thumb toward the waiting room. With a sigh, Ted heads for the waiting room, leaving the Lady and the mugger behind.
INT. WAITING ROOM
Ted enters the waiting room. When he finally notices the other occupants, he stops short. There, waiting for him, are both Von Schiest and Gon Wong. Ted turns to leave, then he spies Dorpov leaning against the wall reading a newspaper. Dorpov's coat has fallen open and Ted sees there is a gun in his belt. Mistaking Dorpov for a plainclothes policeman, Ted hurries over to him.
TED
(whispering)
Officer, those men over there are after me.
DORPOV
Don't worry, Comrade Chameleon, I will protect you. Just give me the plans.
With a cry, Ted bolts from the room.
INT. POLICE STATION
Ten runs back toward the Sergeant at his desk. The Lady has departed and the mugger is going berserk. The mugger is cleaning house with a squad of policement. He throws policemen through windows, over desks, through balustrades, etc., and is generally beating the hell out of them. Ted dodges through the mayhem and approaches the Sergeant who is quietly reading "War and Peace." With a mighty bellow, the mugger lifts one policeman and throws him onto the Sergeant's desk. As the policeman slides past, the Sergeant unconcernedly lifts his book and coffee cup out of the way and continues to read. Ted gestures toward the waiting room.
TED
In there, in the waiting room. All three of them!
SERGEANT
How many times I gotta tell you? Wait your turn, Mac. Get back in there.
Ted stands there with the fight swirling about him. He considers making a run for it.
TED
(to himself)
Better to face them in there than out here.
He moves toward the waiting room with more courage.
TED
Better now than later.
Ted puts his hand on the door knob of the waiting room. Then, his courage fails him, and his eyes roll heavenward.
TED
Better somebody else.
Ted squares his shoulders and enters the waiting room.
INT. WAITING ROOM
Ted steps gingerly into the waiting room. He glances at the three men, each of whom is standing in a separate corner of the room. Gradually, the Von Schiest, Gon Wong, and Dorpov move in on Ted, accompanied by the sound of the terrific battle between the mugger and the police. Eventually, the four men in the waiting room are standing shoulder to shoulder.
TED
Maybe I should go to another police station. I think they're having a Kung Fu rehearsal in there.
VON SCHIEST
Enough!
TED
Who are you guys, anyway?
DORPOV
You have already met Von Schiest. And I believe you had a little altercation with Gon Wong. My name is Dorpov — but of course, you already know our names.
TED
Don't know. Don't want to know.
DORPOV
You already know that each of our countries wants the plans that are in your possession. So now we've come to get them.
VON SCHIEST
I paid for them! They are mine! Bought and sold! You have my million dollars. Where are the plans?
GON WONG
Aw, knock it off, round-eye running dog.
Von Schiest glares at Gon Wong.
DORPOV
Of course, Chameleon, we all understand that your — ah — transaction with Von Schiest is incomplete.
GON WONG
You got it, Lenin-lips!
VON SCHIEST
A deal's a deal.
DORPOV
Boys, boys!
(to Ted)
He gave you the money, but you didn't give him the plans. There's no deal yet. I realize that your dealings with Von Schiest were just to flush out all of the competition. Well, here we are, ready to deal.
TED
Look, fellows. It's all a mistake. Boy, have you made a mistake — a big mistake! I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have any plans. I don't even have any plans for dinner.
He winces at an exceptionally loud crash from the next room.
GON WONG
My country is willing ---
TED
You're treating me like a country. I'm not a country; I'm an accountant.
GON WONG
I'll give you one million dollars.
VON SCHIEST
I already gave him a million. I want my plans, I want my plans! I'll make it two million.
DORPOV
Three million.
VON SCHIEST
(shrill)
All right! Four million.
GON WONG
No fair. You're bidding out of turn. Have you no patience?
TED
You shouldn't have asked him that.
VON SCHIEST
(going bananas)
Patience?! I have no patience!
Von Schiest pulls out a knife and stabs Gon Wong in the back. Gon Wong stiffens.
GON WONG
Oh, boy.
VON SCHIEST
(immediately contrite)
Oops. Sorry. You shouldn't have said that. You know how sensitive I am. And I was doing so well in group.
TED
You — you just stabbed a man!
VON SCHIEST
(shrugging)
Well, what's done is done.
DORPOV
And it narrows down the competition a bit.
GON WONG
(gasping)
I'll make it five million.
Gon Wong staggers forward and dies it Ted's arms. Ted is horrified. Instinctively, Ted's hand closes around the handle of the knife that is sticking out of Gon Wong's back.
DORPOV
I've got to hand it to him.
VON SCHIEST
How's that?
DORPOV
He went down bidding.
At this instant, the door bursts open and three policement and the mugger fly into the room as a single, struggling knot. The all freeze at the sight of Ted and Gon Wong.
TED
He's dead.
The muggers eyes roll up in his head and he faints. Ted pulls the knife out of Gon Wong's back. Ted is still holding the dead body, staring at the knife in horror. The three policemen are also staring at the knife. Ted realizes that they think he stabbed Gon Wong.
TED
You don't think — I mean — I'm not the one ---
Ted gestures with the knife in Von Schiest's direction.
TED
It's him. He's your man. His name is Von Sch ---
Von Schiest is no longer standing there. Ted spins around to Dorpov.
TED
Ask him. He can veri ---
Dorpov is also gone. The three policemen are regarding Ted warily. Ted, the knife in his right hand, the attaché case in his left, supports Gon Wong with his left arm.
TED
I didn't do it. I don't even know him. Well, I do, we were just introduced. But I didn't know him well enough to kill him.
The policemen begin a cautious advance on Ted.
POLICEMAN
Sure, sure, buddy. Why don't you give me the knife.
TED
You don't believe me. I'm not the killer type. Look, I'm wearing wing-tips.
POLICEMAN
Of course we believe you. Don't we, fellows?
The other policemen nod their affirmation. They move forward, smiling.
POLICEMAN
Drop the knife. Ted realizes the policemen are about to jump him. He places the knife point at Gon Wong's head.
TED
No you don't! Take one more step and I'll blow his head off. Get back.
POLICEMAN
(soothingly)
You can't do that, buddy. He's evidence.
Ted eases his way toward the door.
TED
Back, I say. I'm an animal when I'm cornered.
POLICEMAN
Listen, mister ---
Ted reaches the door.
TED
I've got to fly to China and notify his next-of-kin.
Ted throws the knife in the air, drops Gon Wong, and runs.
EXT. POLICE STATION
Ted, attaché case in hand, flies down the steps of the police station. He passes the Stranger and disappears around a corner. A keystone of cops spill out of the front door and down the steps. The Stranger solemnly points in the opposite direction from that taken by Ted. As the police disappear in the wrong direction, the Stranger turns and follows after Ted.
INT. OFFICE
Back at her office, Miss Hector is wondering what is taking Ted so long. She calls the police station.
MISS HECTOR
Hello, police? Did a man with one million dollars come in?
SERGEANT
Yes, ma'am.
MISS HECTOR
May I speak to him?
SERGEANT
No, lady. He stabbed someone and ran out.
MISS HECTOR
Oh. Did he say where he was going?
SERGEANT
No, ma'am. They usually don't.
INT. LADIES ROOM
Miss Hector meets Sarah.
MISS HECTOR
Mother, I think Ted's in some sort of trouble.
Sarah adjusts her hair in the mirror.
SARAH
Did they catch him practicing boredom without a license?
MISS HECTOR
I'm serious!
SARAH
So am I.
MISS HECTOR
He found a million dollars in his attaché case, and now the police say he's stabbed someone.
SARAH
Ted? You must be kidding. He isn't capable of that. His idea of excitement is to go into a dark closet and light up his digital calculator.
MISS HECTOR
Mother! I have to do something to help him.
SARAH
What are you, his mother? He doesn't need a mother; he already is a mother. You trying to solve Ted's problems is like Lou Costello straightening out Stan Laurel's life.
MISS HECTOR
Mother, Ted's really in trouble.
SARAH
Then you'd better find him, dear. With a million dollars, he's liable to run out and buy 200,000 pairs of brown shoes.
Sarah exits and Miss Hector, forehead pressed against the mirror, groans in frustration.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted enters, looking over his shoulder to see if he has been followed. When he turns to see the apartment, he is horrified. The entire apartment has been torn up. Furniture is overturned, drawers pulled out, papers scattered, all the furniture has been slashed open and the stuffing pulled out. The place is a shambles — a disheveled mess. Ted stares in wonderment and dismay. His whole ordered existence has suddenly fallen apart about him. He wanders through the apartment, pausing occasionally to straighten or touch some prized possession. He stares at the crystal figurine of the Venus de Milo. It is now a pile of broken glass. Ted walks into the kitchen. The first thing he sees is the poster of Ariel in Germany. A mustache and beard have been painted on Ariel's face, and a large butcher knife is stuck in Ariel's heart. Ted is enraged.
TED
Why would they want to do a thing like that? They couldn't! They wouldn't!
(realizing)
Yes they would. Ariel ---
Ted must warn Ariel that her life may be in danger. He reaches for the kitchen telephone. Not only have the wires been cut, the telephone itself has been sliced in two. Still clutching the attaché case, Ted hurries from the apartment to warn Ariel.
EXT. TED'S APARTMENT
While the Stranger watches from the shadows, Ted leaves his apartment. The Stranger waits a moment, then follows.
CUT TO:
INT./EXT. BUILDING STEPS
Ariel is stricken with fear. There is a gun pressed against her temple by Biff, a rugged and menacing man wearing a wide-brimmed hat pulled down over his face and a full-length camelhair trench coat.
LESLEY (o.s.)
(softly)
OK, darlings, give me some movement.
As Biff continues to menace Ariel, they start to move — they are models in a photo shoot. Biff is a male model, and the "exterior" stairs are a fake marble prop. There is a fan blowing Ariel's hair and Biff's scarf. The photographs are being taken by Lesley, a soft-spoken, highly successful English-born fashion photographer. Standing next to Lesley, his hands stuffed into the front pockets of a dingy sweatshirt, is Lesley's assistant Muffy, who only yells.
MUFFY
(bellowing)
Move it! Move it!
LESLEY
(softly)
You're afraid of him, Ariel.
MUFFY
(bellowing)
Act afraid!
LESLEY
(softly)
I think I'm getting a headache.
MUFFY
(bellowing)
Headache.
Lesley recoils each time Muffy yells in his ear. Ariel and Biff obey, striking more and more bizarre poses until something catches Lesley's eye.
LESLEY
(softly)
That's it. That's it.
MUFFY
(bellowing)
That's it!
Lesley snaps pictures. He waves his free hand at them to sway back and forth.
LESLEY
(softly)
Now, passion.
MUFFY
(bellowing)
OK, kids. Get it on!
Ariel and Biff strike a sensuous pose. Biff's nostrils flare.
LESLEY
(softly)
That's it. Don't move.
EXT. STUDIO DOOR
Ted pauses to catch his breath.
MUFFY (o.s.)
(bellowing)
Hold it! Don't move!
Fearing the worst, Ted lowers his shoulder and bursts through the door.
INT. STUDIO
Ted rushes into the studio, shoving aside Lesley and Muffy, and grabbing Biff.
TED
Let her go, you son of a bitch!
Biff screams in terror. He covers his face and flees.
BIFF
Not in the face! Not in the face!
Ariel reacts with confusion. What's going on? Ted joins her on the stairs.
TED
It's all right, darling. It's me!
ARIEL
(screaming)
Whaddaya doing? Let go of me!
LESLIE
(transfixed)
That's wonderful.
MUFFY
(yelling)
Wonderful!
Lesley begins snapping pictures. While Ted and Ariel talk, Lesley and Muffy continue to take photos, occasionally interjecting comments.
TED
Ariel, your life may be in danger.
ARIEL
You're in danger, you maniac, if you don't leave me alone.
LESLEY
(loving it)
He's vile — you loath him.
MUFFY
Vile!! You hate him!!
TED
Listen, sweetheart ---
ARIEL
Don't you sweetheart me, you — you weirdo.
LESLEY
Muffy, the hat — the coat, quick.
MUFFY
(yelling)
Hat!! Coat!! Coming up!!
TED
I thought he was trying to rape you.
ARIEL
No one in here is capable of rape.
Muffy plunks the hat down on Ted's head. Ted looks around.
TED
Did I interrupt something?
Muffy throws the coat over Ted's shoulders.
ARIEL
(as to a child)
Just my career. That's a photographer over there. He's taking my picture.
Ted looks at Lesley.
LESLEY
Not in the lens, darling.
TED
(to Ariel)
Why is he calling me darling?
ARIEL
There's a first time for everything.
MUFFY
(yelling)
Don't look at the camera, schmuck!
ARIEL
There's a word you should understand.
Ted finally reacts to the hat and the coat. He tosses them off and returns his attention to Ariel.
LESLEY
That's it. It's a wrap for today.
MUFFY
Wrap!!
MUFFY
(to Lesley)
My god, you were wonderful!
LESLEY
I know.
MUFFY
You've never been better.
LESLEY
Only one was better — when I shot Derrick for Playgirl magazine. Lesley and Muffy exit.
TED
You've got to believe me. I don't want anything to happen to you.
ARIEL
You hang around and nothing will happen to me. I won't even model fishing boots for Field & Stream. Get out of my life.
TED
There are people after me.
ARIEL
I'm not one of them.
TED
They're trying to kill me.
ARIEL
Hmm, maybe I am. I'll tell you what — I'll finance the funeral. I'd love to bury you.
TED
These guys keep calling me some kind of lizard.
ARIEL
It sounds as if I have a lot in common with these guys. You are some kind of lizard.
TED
(hurt)
No, it's nothing like that. They keep giving me money and asking me for plans.
Ted opens the attaché case and shows Ariel the million dollars. She stares, stupefied. She looks up at Ted and then back at the money.
TED
What do you think?
ARIEL
(to herself)
I think we've reached a turning-point in this relationship.
Ariel turns and cuddles up to Ted. She is suddenly in love.
ARIEL
Hi, lizard baby. Darling, are you all right? You big handsome accountant, you.
Ted is well pleased with this turn of events. After all these years, Ariel has finally stopped playing hard-to-get. Ted embraces Ariel.
TED
I knew my charms would finally win you over.
ARIEL
Exactly how many charms are in there?
TED
Oh, Ariel. I knew you couldn't play hard-to-get forever.
ARIEL
How much?
TED
Now that I'm in trouble, you've rushed to my side.
ARIEL
How much?!
TED
One million dollars.
ARIEL
(passionately)
I love you. She smothers Ted with kisses.
TED
(catching his breath)
Whew! You shouldn't hold back so long next time.
Ariel toys with Ted's hair.
ARIEL
Teddy, dear — did you say men were after you?
TED
Does my having a million dollars have anything to do with your affection?
ARIEL
No, honey. I'd be just as affectionate if you had only half a million.
TED
Good.
ARIEL
We have to make sure nothing happens to you. I think the first thing we should do is to get rid of the money.
Ariel greedily reaches for the money, but Ted holds her at arm's length.
TED
Ariel, you really do care for me. This is the happiest moment of my life. I can't let you risk it.
ARIEL
I'll risk it, I'll risk it. You need a bodyguard. Let me guard you with my body.
TED
No, I can't let you do that. It's too dangerous.
(realizing)
Oh my god! You shouldn't even me with me. Go home and lock yourself in your apartment.
ARIEL
(seductively)
And it will be just the two of us.
TED
No. These guys are dangerous. They've already killed one person, and they didn't even clean up afterwards.
ARIEL
You're not leaving me?
TED
I've got to — it's not safe for you. I'll call you later.
ARIEL
All right, darling. Be careful — for me. How about a few thousand for cab fare?
TED
That'll get you about four blocks. I'm crazy about you. This is too dangerous. If you know how dangerous it is having this money you wouldn't want anything to do with it.
ARIEL
Try me.
Hand in hand, Ted and Ariel walk to the door. At the door they hold hands and look deeply into each other's eyes. Ted sees Ariel as a sweet, innocent, beautiful girl, like Little Bo Peep. Ariel sees Ted as Daddy Warbucks. Ted kisses Ariel's fingertips and slowly backs out the door. Their arms extended, their fingers touching as long as possible. Then, fingers no longer touching, arms still extended, Ted blows her a kiss. Ariel blows Ted a kiss, and with a Loretta Young swirl, croses the door. She leans against the closed door and makes a terrible "yucky" face. There is a soft knock on the door. She quickly changes the yucky face to a loving smile, then opens the door. Only instead of Ted, the Stranger is standing there.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
Miss Hector strides up to a door that has "S.D. Hector" on it. She hesitates for a moment, takes a deep breath, and knocks on the door. Without waiting for an answer, she opens the door and enters. Inside the office there is dark wood paneling, rich leather chairs, heavy couches, big game trophies, and sporting prints.
MISS HECTOR
I have to talk to you.
SARAH (o.s.)
Shhh.
A golf ball rolls across the carpet into an electronic target. It hits the target squarely, and is returned to Sarah. Crouched over, putter in hand, she lines up her next putt.
MISS HECTOR
It's about Ted.
SARAH
Don't interrupt my putts with talk of that putz. You'd have more fun if you were in love with this golf club. I said it before and I'll say it again: the man is boring.
MISS HECTOR
Mother, would you please put that club down?
Miss Hector takes the putter from Sarah and places it against the massive desk. Sarah begins to protest, but wisely keeps her mouth shut.
MISS HECTOR
I want to apologize for losing my cool before. I can't expect you to make my decisions for me. After all, I am supposed to be a mature adult. I should make my own decisions.
SARAH
So, what are you going to do about Ted?
MISS HECTOR
I don't know. What do you think? All I know is that I love him.
SARAH
Then back off. Nothing is going to happen as long as you keep throwing yourself at him. No man likes to be chased. Play hard-to-get.
MISS HECTOR
You didn't play hard-to-get with Dad. You did everything but shoot yourself out of a cannon into his bedroom window.
SARAH
That's because it was hard to get your Father's attention.
MISS HECTOR
I've got the same problem.
SARAH
Perhaps if you looked sexier ---
Sarah unbuttons Miss Hector's blouse.
MISS HECTOR
Come on, Mom. That's old-fashioned. Women don't play those games any more. I'm liberated. I'm assertive. I'm strong. I'm invincible. I'm ---
SARAH
Single. When's the last time Ted called you 'Nancy?'
MISS HECTOR
(dejected)
I don't remember.
SARAH
That's got to tell you something. While you off being liberated, to Ted you are just 'Miss Hector.'
MISS HECTOR
You know, you're right. I really have been making a fool out of myself, haven't I? Maybe I'll give your way a try.
SARAH
Take it easy. He may be Poland, but you don't have to be Hitler. He takes you for granted. He'll notice you more if you lay back.
MISS HECTOR
OK, Mom. I'll lay back to get him to notice me. But just to play it safe, I'm going to wear neon underwear.
Miss Hector strides from the room. Sarah sits quietly for a moment and then grins to herself. She reaches for the putter.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Ted has left the photo studio. He is in a large open park. He looks about suspiciously. It seem safe. His stomach growls. He realizes he has missed his lunch and is very hungry. A couple walks past, laughing and eating hot dogs. Ted stares at the hot dogs. He then looks down the path and sees someone else eating a hot dog. He starts backtracking down the path, like a bloodhound on the scent, after the source of the hot dogs. In the distance he sees a hot dog Vendor with a pushcart. Ted hustles toward him.
TED
Give me a hot dog. Everything on it.
The Vendor reaches into his pushcart and pulls out a wrapped hot dog. He starts to hand it to Ted. Ted reaches out and grabs the hot dog. The Vendor does not let go.
VENDOR
One dollar.
Ted smiles and nods understandingly. Still holding the hot dog with one hand, he places the attaché case between his knees. Using his free hand, he reaches into his pocket. Nothing. He grabs the hot dog with his other hand and with his newly-freed hand tries his pockets on the other side. Nothing. The Vendor views Ted with open suspicion. Reluctantly, Ted lets go of the hot dog so he may use both hands. Protectively, the Vendor pulls back the hot dog and clutches it to his bosom. Ted reaches into his coat for his wallet. He looks inside it, then realizes he has given his money away.
TED
(to himself)
Frobisher.
(to Vendor)
Hey, look. How about a hot dog on credit? I'll pay you tomorrow.
The Vendor puts the hot dog back into the pushcart.
VENDOR
Sure. I'll send you a bill at the end of the month.
TED
Frobisher's got my money.
VENDOR
Fine. Send Frobisher.
Dejected, Ted turns away and, the attaché case still between his legs, waddles off. After a few steps, he realizes something is wrong. He looks down and does a take. He removes the attaché case from between his legs. He does a double-take. Of course. There is money in the attaché case. Ted opens the case a crack, carefully sticks his hand in, and extracts a $1,000 bill. Ted turns to the Vendor, waving the bill.
TED
Here. I forgot I had this.
VENDOR
You forgot? Are you kidding? You wanted change from this?
TED
Keep the change. I'll buy three, four — it doesn't matter. Just let me have a hot dog.
The Vendor shakes his head "no."
TED
I'll buy your cart.
The Vendor disdainfully returns the bill to Ted.
VENDOR
You'll have to contact my business manager. Now get out of here before I call a cop.
Ted doesn't want the cops called. He backs off.
TED
All right, all right. I'll get change somewhere else.
Ted turns to a wino groveling in the park.
TED
Can you break a thousand dollar bill?
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK - LATER
Ted is wandering dejectedly through the park. Everywhere he looks, food is being consumed. He sees a squirrel eating a nut. He stands beneath the tree gesturing for the squirrel to drop the nut. The squirrel merely runs off. Ted sees a man eating some soup. The man spills some on his shirt, so he removes his shirt and places it in the sun to dry. Ted surreptitiously grabs the shirt and starts to suck the soup out of it. The man turns and grabs the shirt back, chasing Ted off. Ted sees a billboard with Colonel Sanders smiling out from behind a big plate of chicken. It looks like a food mirage, and Ted runs toward it. He runs smack into the billboard at full tilt. Ted spots a big fat man sleeping on the grass. Next to the man are the leavings of a picnic lunch. There is a half a submarine sandwich sitting unattended. Ted looks around. He creeps toward the sandwich. Just as he is about to grasp it, a very large, fierce dog pops his head up from behind the fat man's stomach. The dog shows his teeth and growls.
TED
(whispering)
Nice doggy.
Ted reaches for the sandwich. The dog stands up; it is enormous. The dog growls again. Ted retreats.
EXT. PARK - LATER
Ted continues through the park. He passes a nanny sitting on a park bench. She is tending a baby carriage. Ted spots a bottle of milk in the carriage and reacts with hunger. He thinks, "as easy as taking candy from a baby." Hunger has caused primal man to surface in Ted. He is the hunter. The nanny looks up questioningly as Ted approaches. Ted hides his food lust under a mask of benevolence. He smiles benignly at the nanny and gestures, may he look at the baby? The nanny smiles sweetly and nods yes. Ted reaches into the baby carriage with one finger going coochie coochie coo while trying to grab the bottle with his free hand. He stops suddenly. His finger emerges from the darkness of the carriage stuck in the end of a gun barrel. A midget sits up in the baby carriage. He is holding a very large gun on Ted. In a scene reminiscent of the closing shot in "The Seventh Seal," we see Ted outlined against the horizon, followed by the midget with the gun being pushed in the carriage by the nanny.
EXT. COUNTRY ESTATE
A car pulls up to a secluded country estate. It stops and Ted, under guard, emerges from the car. Ted enters the home.
INT. COUNTRY ESTATE
Ted is led into a study, which is decorated out of the movie "Casablanca;" potted palms, ceiling fans, wicker chairs, and tile floors. Ted is apprehensive. The guards show him to a chair in front of a desk. They then leave. Ted sits, glancing about the room with morbid interest. He looks up at the ceiling fan revolving about his head. He hears muffled screams from another room — terrible agonized screams. They slowly fade. Ted jumps up and heads for the door. Before he can get there, a panel slides up and Dorpov steps into the room, cutting off Ted's exit. Ted nearly collides with Dorpov, and stops dead in his tracks. Dorpov, his sleeves rolled up, is drying his hands with a towel. He smiles benignly at Ted.
DORPOV
(heartily)
Welcome, Chameleon. At long last we meet in private.
Ted gestures at the sliding panel.
TED
What was that noise?
DORPOV
(smiling)
Just having a little fun in the rumpus room. Excuse me.
Dorpov steps back through the sliding panel and snaps his towel at something. He is answered by a short shiek. He throws away the towel and reemerges with a coat in his hand. The panel slides shut behind him.
DORPOV
Come, come. Relax. Sit. Have some caviar?
Ted, ravenously hungry, starts to reach for the caviar and crackers on Dorpov's desk. He stops in midreach, realizing the possibility of poison, and politely declines. Dorpov shrugs, eats one, and moves the dish out of Ted's reach.
DORPOV
What do you think of the room? I'm a great fan of Sidney Greenstreet.
Ted gingerly sits back down in the chair. Dorpov puts his coat on and sits down behind the desk. Dorpov takes a humidor, opens the lid — it plays "As Time Goes By" — and offers Ted a cigar. Ted hesitates, he is afraid to take the cigar. Dorpov laughs at him.
DORPOV
You think the old cigar trick? Let me assure you, our methods are much more subtle than that.
Ted reluctantly takes a cigar. Dorpov nonchalantly returns his cigar to the humidor and snaps the lid down. He then opens a drawer in the desk and pulls out a leather-bound folder.
DORPOV
I have always been one of your biggest fans, Chameleon. You have fooled agents from every country. My own father was liquidated because of you. No grudge. What a career!
Dorpov shakes his head in admiration. Dorpov opens the folder and spreads out a number of photographs. The first is of an old man. Dorpov is effusive in his praise of Ted.
DORPOV
These disguises of yours ---
The second picture is of a clown.
DORPOV
What color sense ---
The third is a picture of Queen Elizabeth.
DORPOV
What style ---
Ted raises his eyebrows in amazement. The fourth picture is of Shirley Temple.
DORPOV
What talent ---
The fifth picture is of a dog peeing on a fire hydrant.
DORPOV
What genius!
Ted looks up from the photographs, astonished.
TED
A dog?
DORPOV
Of course not: the hydrant! Brilliant!
TED
It's nothing. That's been happening to me all my life.
DORPOV
And what self-control. You didn't move a muscle. And ---
Dorpov reaches into a drawer in the desk. He brings out a lit blowtorch. He moves toward Ted with it.
DORPOV
-- Your ability to withstand pain. Amazing.
Ted recoils into the chair. Dorpov lights Ted's cigar with the blowtorch. A great cloud of smoke envelopes Ted as he puffs rapidly on the cigar. Dorpov replaces the still-lit blowtorch in the desk drawer. Dorpov presses a button on the desk. The sliding panel opens and two enormous, bare-chested, black-hooded figures enter the room.
DORPOV
We know how valiantly you endure torture.
TED
You kidding? I can't even stand X-rays.
Dorpov pushes another button on the desk. From out of the arms of Ted's chair, steel bands snap up to restrain his wrists and ankles. Ted puffs furiously on the cigar; the ash grows longer. Dorpov pushes another button. The slowly revolving overhead fan picks up speed and begins to lower itself toward Ted's head. The swishing sound of the blades increases as the speed of the fan approaches that of a buzz saw.
DORPOV
(matter of factly)
We know you don't know the meaning of the word fear.
Ted tries to shrink down into the chair. The blades are within inches of his head. The whirling blades glint menacingly. Panicked, Ted jerks his head up, inadvertantly slinging his ash into the fan blades. The ashes fly into the eyes of the hooded thugs. Dorpov claps his hands in delight.
DORPOV
Your only weapon, an ash. Marvelous!
(retracting the blades)
Of course, I should have known you wouldn't fall for the old fan trick.
Dorpov gestures with one finger toward one of the hooded figures. The figure steps forward to Ted.
DORPOV
It would be a waste of time to use old-fashioned methods like ---
Dorpov nods to the hooded figure. The hooded figure grabs one of Ted's feet and clamps it into an iron boot. The hooded figure starts turned the screw: creak, creak. Ted winces with pain with each creak of the screw. The hooded figure removes the iron boot from Ted's foot.
DORPOV
And, it would be equally foolish to attempt more modern methods — such as electrodes in your jockey shorts.
The two hooded figures grab Ted's belt and insert wires down his pants. Dorpov opens an ornately carved box on his desk and reveals a large electrical switch. He casually flips the switch on. The house lights dim. There is the deep hum of an electrical generator and the crack and thunderclap of an electrical discharge. Ted is enveloped in sparks. Smoke curls out of Ted's pants. Dorpov turns off the switch; the lights come back on and the sparks cease to fly. Ted explosively spits out the cigar. It lands on the desk, igniting the photographs. Dorpov is doubly impressed.
DORPOV
Again with the cigar butt! What resourcefulness!
Ted is still in agony, smoke pouring from his pants. Dorpov pushes a button. The steel restraints open, freeing Ted. Dorpov pours two glasses of champagne, handing one to Ted.
DORPOV
Congratulations. A toast to a noble adversary.
They clink glasses. Ted pours his champagne down the front of his pants. Steam rises. Dorpov has downed his glass in one gulp. He reaches for the bottle. Ted beats him to it. Down the front of his pants goes the champagne. More steam. Ted sighs in relief. Dorpov puts his arm around Ted's shoulders.
DORPOV
(apologetic)
Please. Forgive the unpleasantness. Such things are expected of us. No grudge?
TED
Well, to be real honest ---
DORPOV
(interrupting)
I know. I know. I, too, deplore such methods. It's time to make a decision. Let's make a deal. Do you want what's behind the curtain?
Dorpov bonds to a curtain. With a flourish he pulls it aside. He gestures, "voila." Behind the curtain is a firing squad. Dorpov walks back to the desk and takes a suitcase from one of the hooded figures.
DORPOV
Or do you want what's in the suitcase?
Dorpov opens the suitcase. It is crammed full of money. Ted looks back and forth between the firing squad and the suitcase. He contemplates, then:
TED
OK. I'll take the suitcase.
DORPOV
This is three million dollars for the down payment. You get the other three million when you deliver the plans.
Ted puts on a show of false bravado.
TED
Sure. What plans to you want?
DORPOV
The earthquake bomb, of course.
TED
One earthquake bomb. What size do you want; 3.5, 7.6, 10.0?
Dorpov is taken aback.
DORPOV
10.0, of course. They come in sizes?
TED
Sure. Didn't you know that?
DORPOV
(covering)
Oh, of course I knew. My sources of information are excellent. You will deliver the plans to use in Germany.
TED
Germany?
DORPOV
For six million dollars the least you can do is deliver. Besides, I want the delivery to be in Von Schiest's own back yard. He thinks he controls all of Europe. Perhaps we can teach him a little lesson, eh, Professor?
TED
(swaggering)
Sure. Sure, I'll do that. Now, if you don't mind, I'd kinda like to go home and get out of these scorched shorts.
DORPOV
One more thing.
Ted stops dead in his tracks, his shoulders hunched in fear.
DORPOV
You forgot your other briefcase.
TED
What?
DORPOV
The million dollars you came with. Please, take it with you. My driver will take you back. See you in Germany.
EXT. COUNTRY ESTATE
Dorpov and the hooded figures are standing on the front steps of the house, seeing Ted off. Ted is some distance from them, heading toward the car, when Dorpov calls out.
DORPOV
Be careful of Von Schiest. When he finds out you made a deal with me, he'll have you shot on sight. Or worse.
In the shrubbery, several shadowy figures scurry about. Dorpov drapes his arms around the shoulders of the hooded figures.
DORPOV
Take a good look, boys. There goes a true professional.
They all wave good bye to Ted.
INT. LIMOUSINE
Ted is being driven back to the city. He sits in lonely splendor. He sighs several times and then begins talking to himself.
TED
Hoo, boy. What am I going to do? Can't go to the police. They think I'm a murderer. That crazy German will shoot me —
(his stomach growls)
The Russian, he could be worse —
(his stomach growls again)
With this money, Ariel and I could go to South America. They'd never find us down there.
His train of thought begins to drift.
TED
They got mangoes growing right on trees. Hide in a mango grove. Bananas growing everywhere. No, it's too dangerous for Ariel to be with me. I gotta hide somewhere. Somewhere with food. Maybe hide in an Argentinian meat locker. Somewhere safe. Miss Hector! Yeah! Nobody's look for me there.
Ted stares out the window. His eyes widen as he sees they are passing a drive-in restaurant. Ted pounds on the glass divider. The Driver looks back. Ted points to the drive-in. The Driver smiles and nods. He keeps on driver. Desperately, Ted tries to lower the window. He cannot find the right button. Finally, he finds the microphone to speak to the driver.
TED
Pull over! Pull over! I need food. I'm starving!
The Driver nods vigorously.
DRIVER
Sure. People are staving all over the world. Billions are starving. Capitalists like you don't know the meaning of the word hunger.
TED
You want hunger?
Ted places the microphone on his stomach. His stomach growls through the microphone. Convinced, the Driver slams the car to a halt.
TED
Hey, pal. I got a problem. All I've got is thousand dollar bills. How about me swapping you a thousand for a twenty?
The Driver lowers the window.
DRIVER
As Marx said in Das Kapital, 'A price implies that a commodity is exchangeable for money. Under the ideal measure of values there lurks the hard cash.'
Ted thinks hard for a moment, absorbing this information.
TED
How about a ten?
DRIVER
Five.
TED
Deal.
They exchange money.
EXT. LIMOUSINE
Ted jumps out of the car with the attaché case and suitcase and heads for the drive-in, the "Li'l Bit O' Ireland" drive-in restaurant. Ted hurries to the mechanical leprechaun and places his order. In the background, Von Schiest's limo pulls up. Hans and three of Von Schiest's men get out. They point at Ted. At the window, Ted pays his money. He receives a green hamburger. After a moments hesitation, he is about to stuff it into his mouth when a shot rings out. The hamburger flies out of his hand. Ted sees the four men and runs for his life. As Ted rounds the corner of the building, the door to the men's room opens up and a short man, dressed as a leprechaun, comes out buttoning up the flap of his green trousers. Written in bright gold across the flap of the trousers are the words "Li'l Bit O' Ireland." The leprechaun walks around the corner just as the four German agents come running up. They stop dead in their tracks and stare at the leprechaun. They give each other meaningful looks.
HANS
(stage whisper)
They don't call him the Chameleon for nothing.
The men jump on the leprechaun, sap him over the head, and drag him off to the car.
INT. MISS HECTOR'S APARTMENT
Miss Hector is standing at her kitchen sink drying some dishes. She is wearing a rather sexy nightgown. She appears to be talking to Ted off camera.
MISS HECTOR
Why Tod, marriage? The thought never crossed my mind. I, ah, of course like you very much. No, no, don't say anything, let me finish. I do care for you — deeply — but I feel you are trying to rush me into something. Why don't we just try living together for awhile?
She begins to loosen her nightgown.
MISS HECTOR
There are so many things we have to learn about each other.
Miss Hector is breathing heavily. Just then, the sound of the doorbell interrupts her. She quickly closes her nightgown.
MISS HECTOR
Just a moment, darling.
She leans forward and kisses "Ted," a large Teddy bear perched on the counter with a photograph of Ted's face secured to its head with a rubberband. She picks up the Teddy bear and hurriedly stuffs it into a cabinet above the counter. Miss Hector walks to the front door. There stands Ted. He is clutching both the attaché case and the suitcase. He peers about anxiously and then quickly jumps in. Miss Hector reacts with surprise and delight.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, I was just talking to you — ah, talking about you — thinking about you.
Miss Hector laughs nervously.
TED
Miss Hector, can you put me up for a few days?
MISS HECTOR
Oh, Ted. I'm so happy you felt you could come to me. I've been worried about you.
TED
There are people after me.
MISS HECTOR
I know. I mean, it's not the police, is it?
TED
They'll have to wait their turn.
(wistful)
For the first time in my life, people want me. Unfortunately, they want me dead.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, I want you.
Ted ignores her, looking around the house suspiciously.
TED
Are you alone?
MISS HECTOR
(coy)
Why, Ted — yes.
TED
Is it safe?
MISS HECTOR
(breathlessly)
Yes.
MISS HECTOR
Do you mind if I turn off the lights?
MISS HECTOR
Yes! I mean no — I mean, whatever turns you off — on ---
Ted turns off the lights and walks to the window.
TED
Can anybody get in this window?
MISS HECTOR
This is the fifteenth floor.
(concerned)
Ted, you are worried. Of course, it's the money. Do you still have the million dollars?
TED
No ---
Miss Hector is much relieved.
TED
I now have four million dollars. I'm up to my assets in cash. It's like crabgrass; it just keeps growing.
MISS HECTOR
You invested wisely today. You've had a better day than General Motors.
TED
I did nothing. They just keep giving it to me.
MISS HECTOR
Forget the money. What about the murder? When I called the station they said something about a stabbing.
TED
I didn't murder him.
MISS HECTOR
The police think you did.
TED
Some weirdo called Von Schiest stuck a knife into this Chinaman called Glickstein.
MISS HECTOR
(aside)
What is this, a Milton Berle sketch?
(aloud)
I'm beginning to agree with the police.
TED
I swear on my dead father's adding machine.
MISS HECTOR
I believe you, Ted. Is there anything I can do to help?
TED
There is, Miss Hector —
MISS HECTOR
Name it!
TED
Tuna fish? An old bag of potato chips?
INT. MISS HECTOR'S KITCHEN - LATER
Ted and Miss Hector talk while Miss Hector fixes Ted a sandwich. He is staring hungrily at the food. He is dying to eat. All other thoughts are out of his mind. She is making the sandwich pretty, parsley on the plate, she trims the lettuce with scissors, etc.
TED
Boy, what a day!
He tries to snitch some food. Miss Hector playfully slaps his hand away.
MISS HECTOR
Tell me about it.
Ted continues to eye the food.
TED
(matter-of-factly)
Oh, there was a little murder, millions of dollars, a lot of torture, love, threats on my life —
MISS HECTOR
Tell me about the love.
TED
(fondly)
Ariel told me she loves me. Miss Hector's smile fades.
MISS HECTOR
Ariel? Who's Ariel?
TED
She's a wonderful girl. You'd love her if you knew her. She's so beautiful.
Ted reaches for some food, and Miss Hector slaps his hand with some force.
TED
Ow! She's like a dream to me.
As Ted talks, Miss Hector gets angrier and angrier. She takes it out on the sandwich. She adds liverwurst to the tuna, peanut butter to the relish, mustard to the jelly.
TED
You know, I call her every morning. She's so cute. She always pretends she doesn't want to talk to me. But I know differently. And talk about pretty. I have every poster she ever posed for!
MISS HECTOR
What is she, a pin-up?
TED
She's a fashion model.
On goes the marinated herring.
TED
You know, in all the months I've been trying to take her out, she never gave me any encouragement until today.
Miss Hector is onto Ariel's game now.
MISS HECTOR
Today, huh? Just when you got the million dollars?
TED
(naive)
You should have seen her. She cares for me. When she heard the danger I am in and saw the money, her pretty face lit up.
MISS HECTOR
And she broke out in a rash that spelled 'Jackpot.'
TED
The risks she was willing to take for me.
MISS HECTOR
Like what?
TED
She was willing to hold onto the money for me while I get things straightened out.
MISS HECTOR
Yeah, in her bank account in Switzerland.
TED
(dreamy)
She was even going to change her name.
Miss Hector can't believe how Ted could be so gullible. She takes pity on him. Ted gestures toward the sandwich.
TED
May I?
Miss Hector looks at the sandwich. It looks awful. She is chagrined.
MISS HECTOR
It's not quite what I ---
TED
(interrupting)
It's beautiful! It's beautiful! It's food.
He reaches out for the sandwich, but Miss Hector whisks it away at the last moment.
MISS HECTOR
Let me cut it for you.
TED
I can't wait.
He picks up the milk and starts to drink right from the bottle. As the bottle touches his lips, a single bullet breaks the window and shatters the bottle. Miss Hector screams and dives for the floor. Ted, however, is beyond caring. He is going to eat — sniper or no. He stands, like the boy on the burning deck, trying to eat. Around him, glasses and plates are shattering, skillets are being knocked off the walls. Ted reaches for an apple; it explodes from the impact of a bullet. He grabs the sandwich and begins eating it with one hand while he gropes for food with the other. A bullet shatters the cabinet door and the teddy bear with Ted's face attachéd falls out. He stares at it in wonder as a bullet hole appears in the middle of the forehead in the photograph. Miss Hector reaches up and pulls him down out of range. Ted and Miss Hector sit on the floor, hiding from the sniper. An occasional shot rings out.
MISS HECTOR
Boy, you weren't kidding. You are in trouble.
Ted is staring at the sandwich.
TED
Peonut butter and marinated herring? You like this?
MISS HECTOR
We've got to do something.
TED
Just scrape the peanut butter off.
MISS HECTOR
We've got to get you to the police.
Ted fishes a morsel of food from between his teeth.
TED
You make these sandwiches often?
MISS HECTOR
It'll be safe if I take you in.
Ted finishes the sandwich.
TED
They are filling, but it could stand a little less herring.
INT. POLICE STATION
Ted and Miss Hector approach the desk Sergeant. Ted is carrying the attaché case and the suitcase. Miss Hector is carrying a stick with a white flag attachéd. The destruction inflicted earlier by the Mugger is being repaired by carpenters and workmen. A number of officers are walking about wearing slings, bandages, etc.
MISS HECTOR
(to Sergeant)
Officer, this man is wanted for murder. The Sergeant is avidly reading, "I'm OK, You're OK," and doesn't look up.
SERGEANT
Red line.
MISS HECTOR
What?
SERGEANT
Red line. Follow it.
Puzzled, Miss Hector starts to follow his instructions. Ted lays a restraining hand on her arm. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his number 2 card from last time and places it on the desk. The Sergeant looks up, impressed.
SERGEANT
OK, buddy. What is it?
TED
I came in to turn in one million dollars, now it's four million dollars. You think I killed Gon Wong. It wasn't me. It was Von Schiest. Dorpov ---
The Sergeant turns to his typewriter and begins typing with no paper in it. He types slowly with one finger.
SERGEANT
Slow down. I-c-a-m-e-i-n — ah, nuts! I forgot to space.
TED
Now they're chasing me and shooting at me, with bullets. They think I'm some kind of lizard. Actually, a chameleon. That's a type of lizard ---
The telephone on the desk rings. The Sergeant picks it up. He snaps to attention. He shushes Ted.
SERGEANT
(into telephone)
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yessir.
He replaces the telephone and gives Ted a big wink.
SERGEANT
Get out of here, buddy. Everything has been taken care of.
Ted is nonplussed.
TED
Whaddaya mean? You want me for murder.
SERGEANT
A technicality. Don't worry. It's been taken care of.
Ted and Miss Hector exchange looks.
MISS HECTOR
You don't understand. People are trying to kill him.
SERGEANT
(cheerfully)
Not in here, they're not. You and James Bond are gonna have to leave, ma'am.
The Sergeant shoos them away. Ted and Miss Hector leave reluctantly.
EXT. POLICE STATION
Waiting on the steps of the police station for Ted and Miss Hector is the Stranger. He steps forward.
STRANGER
(officially)
Mr. Leadnibbler. Miss Hector. Please come with me.
Ted and Miss Hector start to protest. Two men appear at their elbows. Politely but firmly, they are led to a waiting car.
INT. HALLWAY - TED'S APARTMENT
The Stranger leads Ted and Miss Hector to the door of Ted's apartment.
STRANGER
Please enter.
Ted is apprehensive.
TED
My apartment? No sir. Not me. It's terrible in there.
STRANGER
Please, Mr. Leadnibbler.
Wincing with anticipation, Ted opens the door. When he sees his apartment, he reacts with total amazement. Everything is exactly the way it was before the ransacking. Everything is spotless and restored. Even the Venus de Milo has arms. Open-mouthed, Ted wanders through the apartment. Everything is is its place. Miss Hector paces along beside Ted. They enter the kitchen. Ted goes to check the poster of Ariel. It has been restored to its original pristine condition. Ted shakes his head in disbelief. Miss Hector gives the poster of Ariel the once-over. She does take the opportunity to stick her chest out a bit more and compare. Still no contest. She signs despondently.
MISS HECTOR
(whispering)
Silicone.
She continues after Ted. Ted and Miss Hector return to the living room. Ted doesn't know what is going on. The seem to be alone. The silence is broken by the sound of a toilet flushing. The door to the bathroom opens and a man steps out, zipping up his fly. He is a CIA Agent. The Agent stops when he sees Ted and Miss Hector.
AGENT
Oh, excuse me. I wasn't expecting you so soon.
TED
Who the hell are you?
AGENT
Oh, I'm sorry. My name is — unimportant.
TED
Listen here, Unimportant, get the hell out of my apartment.
AGENT
I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Leadnibbler. I have to speak to you.
TED
Who says?
AGENT
The — people I work for.
MISS HECTOR
Who?
AGENT
I work for a government.
TED
A government? Which government?
AGENT
Did I say 'a government?' I meant to say 'the government.' You know, our government, yours and mine.
MISS HECTOR
What agency are you with?
AGENT
I'm a tri-letter man.
MISS HECTOR
I beg your pardon?
AGENT
You know — three letters. I can't give them out. We're trying to maintain a low profile.
(to Miss Hector)
And speaking of profiles ---
Before Miss Hector can comment, the Agent grabs Ted's lapels and pulls him over until they are literally nose to nose.
AGENT
Yes sir. Low profile. Like a reptile. Like a chameleon. The Agent winks broadly at Ted.
Ted shoves him away. He's had it.
TED
I am not a lizard. And I don't have any plans.
AGENT
Of course not. We have the plans.
Ted is agape.
AGENT
Earthquake bomb. Nasty business. We want you to turn the plans over to Dorpov.
TED
You want me to turn the plans over?
AGENT
(to Miss Hector)
Speaking of earthquakes, how about a date Friday?
Miss Hector politely shakes her head no and places her hand on Ted's arm.
TED
Why does the United States ---
The Agent raises a cautionary finger.
AGENT
No names, please.
TED
-- ah, our country, want to give the Rus — them a weapon?
AGENT
(giggling madly)
Can you keep a secret? Because it doesn't work and it costs a fortune. It'll set 'em back years.
TED
You mean the bomb's a bomb?
AGENT
Sure. Remember Greeks bearing gifts? Trojan horses and all that? Those Trojan boys thought they were getting something for nothing. Made 'em lose the war. Same thing.
MISS HECTOR
I don't follow you.
AGENT
Oldest trick in the book. You kids remember World War II, the Kamakazi pilots? They didn't fly those suicide missions on purpose.
MISS HECTOR
They didn't?
AGENT
Naw! We let them steal the plans for the planes. Flew great, just wouldn't pull up out of a dive.
MISS HECTOR
Are you fooling?
The Agent moves close to Miss Hector and leers at her.
AGENT
Is this the face of a fool? Unless you want to fool around ---
TED
But why me?
MISS HECTOR
And who's the Chameleon?
AGENT
There never was a Chameleon. We created him. For years we made the work of a whole lot of agents look like one guy did it. Then old Leadfingers, here, steps in and screws up the works. Now they think he's the Chameleon.
TED
Well, that explains everything. I was a little worried for a while, what with the shootings, the stabbing, the kzzzk kzzzk.
(points at his crotch)
Now it's all over. Well, thank you for coming by. It's nice to have it over with.
Ted tries to hustle the Agent out the door.
AGENT
Wait a minute. Not so fast. You are the Chameleon.
MISS HECTOR
He is?
TED
I am? No I'm not!
AGENT
They think you are, and that's good enough for me.
(to Miss Hector)
And you're good enough for me. How about Saturday night?
(to Ted)
What do you say? There's a trip to Germany in it for you. All you have to do is pass the plans to Dorpov. Then you can see the sights. There's a tank festival in Stuttgart.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, it's not worth it.
TED
Absolutely not!
AGENT
You'll be a great patriot. You'll be a hero. You might even get to play in Bob Hope's golf tournament.
TED
If I go on this mission I'll end up playing in Siberia.
AGENT
Then forget it. Sorry I took up your time. Goodbye. The Agent walks out.
Ted and Miss Hector look at each other in surprise.
TED
The other guys were more persistent. At least he should have smacked me a couple times. No wonder we're losing the cold war.
Ted's telephone rings. He answers.
INTERCUT — TED, ARIEL, AND MISS HECTOR
Ariel is sitting at an elegantly appointed table. There is linen, silver, candles, and an abundance of good food. As she speaks with Ted she continues to eat and pick at the food.
ARIEL
Ted, darling.
TED
(delighted)
Ariel!
Miss Hector reacts.
ARIEL
I hope I'm not interrupting.
TED
Oh, no. I'm not doing anything important.
Miss Hector gives Ted a hurt look.
TED
It's a pleasure to have you call me. Anytime is all right. I thought you told me before you couldn't call out on your telephone.
ARIEL
I'm not in my apartment. I've been kidnapped by some Germans.
TED
(to Miss Hector)
Ariel's in trouble.
MISS HECTOR
I'll send her my grandmother's old maternity dress.
Ariel places the receiver on the table and cracks open a large king crab leg. Over the telephone it makes a terrible noise.
TED
What's that noise?
ARIEL
That's the sound of torture. She cracks the crab leg again into the phone.
TED
(terrified)
Was that your leg?
ARIEL
No, that's the leg of the woman ahead of me. I'm next in line.
Ariel makes a gulping, gagging sound.
TED
What was that?
ARIEL
They are trying to stuff something down my throat.
Ariel holds the receiver at arm's length.
ARIEL
Oooooh! Oooooh!
Ted reacts with horror.
ARIEL
My three minutes are up. They are taking the phone away. I'm in Germany. Come help me!
Ariel takes the telephone and mashes it around in a bowl of fruit. Ted listens to the horrible sound, then hears the line go dead. He absent-mindedly wipes off the telephone, as usual.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT
TED
Ariel! She's been kidnapped. And it's all my fault. She's in Germany, and I've got to find her.
MISS HECTOR
If all you know is that she's in Germany, it might take a while to go door-to-door through the entire country. I wonder why they took her to Germany?
TED
Who knows? Maybe they have better postal rates for ransom notes. This is serious.
MISS HECTOR
I think you're over-reacting. In Germany, kidnapping is considered a recreational pastime.
TED
They're probably fighting over who gets to use the cattle prod first.
MISS HECTOR
I'll mail her a copy of Patty Hearst's biography.
TED
You don't know these people. I'll bet right now Ariel's got electrodes in her pantyhose. I'm going to Germany.
Ted rushes to the door and flings it open. The Agent is there waiting for him.
AGENT
Looking for me, big fella?
The Agent steps into the room and closes the door behind himself.
TED
I'll go, I'll go. Someone's kidnapped Ariel. She's in Germany.
AGENT
I sure hope they don't try some of those new methods I heard about at the World Torture Conference.
(laughs)
One really got me: They make you sit nude in a bathtub full of dog food and lower you into a wolf's cage.
TED
I've got to save her.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, I don't think you should go.
TED
I must.
AGENT
I knew you had it in you. You are a true American. An American who puts his country ahead of himself. Yes, America, the beautiful, from sea to shining sea.
Agents come out of everywhere and start singing "America the Beautiful." Ted and Miss Hector look around in surprise. The room fills with agents, all applauding. They crawl out from under the couch, under chairs — it is like the old circus trick where an impossible number of men crawl out of a miniature car. They gather around the Agent, congratulating him on his speech, shaking his hand, giving him playful punches on the shoulder. The Agent hands Ted a folder and an envelope conspicuously marked "Top Secret."
AGENT
Here's the plans, your instructions, passports, tickets — the boys have your luggage.
MISS HECTOR
He's not going without me.
The Agent smiles at her and nods to one of the other agents. The other agent holds up two pink suitcases.
AGENT
Your plane leaves in one hour. The meeting with Dorpov is set for tomorrow in Frankfurt.
EXT. AIRPORT - AIRPLANE - STOCK SHOT
A jetliner takes off into the night sky.
INT. AIRPLANE
Ted and Miss Hector are sitting in first class. The stewardess pours them some champagne from a bottle covered with a towel. Ted takes a sip, playing the bon vivant.
TED
Ah, excellent. Dom Perignon.
(sips again)
Special select of Louis Cormot.
(sips)
Probably '64.
(sips)
No, '63. The grape is from the Chateau Montoit vineyard. South side of field number seven.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, it's Cold Duck.
They both giggle. They are having a good time. Then Ted shakes his head wistfully.
MISS HECTOR
What is it?
TED
I never thought when I woke up this morning that we'd be flying off to Germany together.
Miss Hector chuckles.
TED
What?
MISS HECTOR
The same thing with me. Just this morning I was talking with Mother. She was complaining that I never do anything interesting. She said I should put some excitement into my life.
They look at each other and then laugh uproariously. Their laughten dies for a moment and Ted finds himself looking at Miss Hector seriously for the first time. She smiles and turns away. The in-flight movie starts — "Godzilla Squats On Tokyo." The growls of the monster and the gunfire form a counterpoint to the conversation.
TED
I was just thinking. Here I am, a grown man, and more has happened to me in the last day than in my whole life. That's no way to live. Sitting in an office all day, living through other people's lives, not my own. Never again, not if I can help it.
MISS HECTOR
You don't mean you enjoy being shot at?
TED
Well, as long as they miss, it's kind of exciting.
MISS HECTOR
And the torture?
TED
No, I didn't like that part.
MISS HECTOR
To be honest, Ted, I always hoped the two of us would have some sort of future together — at the office.
TED
(vague)
That might be nice. Right now I'm worried about Ariel. I got her into this.
MISS HECTOR
(with an edge)
She worries me, too.
TED
You know, you were pretty impressive today.
MISS HECTOR
I was?
TED
Sure. You're a brave girl. It was nice feeling I could count on you.
MISS HECTOR
You'd have done the same thing for me.
Ted pauses to think.
MISS HECTOR
Wouldn't you?
TED
Yeah.
(surprising himself)
Yeah, I would. Sure I would.
Ted smiles at Miss Hector and pats her on the hand. She looks pleased. This is the first time he's shown any affection toward her. She yawns, leans her head against his shoulder. Ted fishes in his jacket pocket and pulls out the "Top Secret" envelope. He also finds that he still has the computer confession in an S.D. Hector & Daughter envelope. He stares at the two envelopes. He turns to Miss Hector to say something, then realizes she has fallen asleep. He replaces the envelopes in his jacket and then, very gently, covers her with a blanket. He smiles at her, a genuine expression of affection.
TED
(whispering)
Good night, Nancy.
Loosening his tie for the first time, he rests his head against hers and drifts off to sleep.
EXT. AIRPLANE - STOCK SHOT
In flight over the Atlantic.
EXT. AIRPORT - AIRPLANE - MORNING - STOCK SHOT
as the plane lands at Frankfurt Airport in Germany.
INT. AIRPORT - MORNING
Ted and Miss Hector are standing in the terminal. The crowd mills around them.
MISS HECTOR
How are we supposed to recognize the contact?
TED
I don't know. They said we'd know him when we saw him.
MISS HECTOR
What happens if we don't?
TED
Don't worry. They haven't been shy so far.
Off in the distance, what appears to be a Lizard approaches them through the crowd. A head keeps appearing, hopping up and down. Miss Hector is looking the other direction, but Ted is looking in the direction of the Lizard. Ted blinks, puzzled. The Lizard draws closer. He is hopping through the crowd toward Ted and Miss Hector. Ted strains to get a better view. The Lizard breaks through the crowd. It is a tall, thin man dressed as a lizard. His entire body, except his face, is encased in a lizard costume. There are little suction cups on his fingers and toes. He has a long tail. As he hops through the crowd, the suction cups make little sucking sounds.
TED
Don't look, but I think I see him. Act natural.
MISS HECTOR
(whispering)
How do you know it's him?
TED
I have a hunch.
MISS HECTOR
I think we should be more firm with these people. We shouldn't just jump every time they gives us an order.
The Lizard stops directly behind Miss Hector. Ted gives a little "he's here" look. Miss Hector turns.
MISS HECTOR
Listen here ---
Miss Hector finds herself face-to-face with a giant lizard. He smiles and his tongue darts out in greeting. Miss Hector screams and jumps back. This startles the Lizard, who also screams and jumps back against the polished marble wall, sticking with his suction cups three feet off the floor. He tries to extricate himself but cannot. Ted and Miss Hector start over to help the Lizard. He shakes his head no, his tongue darting in and out.
LIZARD
No, no. Do not draw attention to me. There's a car waiting for you. It will take you to the hotel. Check in. That is the signal to Dorpov that the drop is on. From there, go to the zoo and wait in front of the elephant pen. Got it?
TED
Not quite. The last part —
LIZARD
(starting over)
Do not draw attention to me. There's a car waiting ---
TED
(interrupting)
No, not that part. The elephant.
LIZARD
The elephant pen — stand in front of it.
TED
(very professional)
Got it.
MISS HECTOR
(to herself)
Men and their games.
LIZARD
Go quickly now before you attract attention.
Ted and Miss Hector walk away hurriedly. They are passed by a squad of security men carrying a very large net.
Ext. German city - SERIES OF SHOTS
The car travels from the airport to the hotel, accompanied by the sound of German music.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
Ted and Miss Hector are in the lobby of a hotel. The hotel lobby is large and opulent. Ted is attempting to check in with the Clerk. He is trying to muddle through with his own version of German.
NOTE: Ted's conversation with the Clerk is subtitled.
TED
(uncomfortable, in pidgin German)
Do you have our rooms? The Smiths. Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.
CLERK
Oh, yes. And Mr. John Smith, you have a few phone messages.
The Clerk reaches beneath the counter and pulls forth a huge pile of phone messages, all for John Smith.
CLERK
These are all for you, Mr. John Smith.
Miss Hector and the Clerk laugh at Ted.
TED
(resigned)
Name's Leadnibble. Two rooms. Leadnibbler.
CLERK
Yes. The Clerk pulls out two keys and they are atteched to two huge cannon balls.
CLERK
No one steals our keys.
TED
Do we have a view? I asked for your best view.
CLERK
Of course. You have a beautiful view of the boot factory.
Miss Hector glances away. She does a take as she sees something.
TED
(to Clerk)
Fine. We can dance to the quitting whistle.
Across the lobby, Ariel and the Stranger are disappearing into an elevator. Miss Hector sees them; Ted doesn't.
TED
(to Clerk)
Can you exchange my money from dollars to marks?
CLERK
Of course, sir.
Ted starts counting out a huge stack of one dollar bills.
TED
$560.
Ted pushes the pile of bills over to the Clerk. The Clerk takes it.
CLERK
$560.
The Clerk pulls out two coins and pushes them across the desk to Ted.
CLERK
Here is your money in Deutsche Marks.
Miss Hector tugs at Ted's sleeve, looking at the elevator bank where Ariel and the Stranger just were.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, wasn't that ---
TED
Please. Can't you see I'm busy?
Ted returns to the Clerk and the pidgin German.
CLERK
Check-out time is 12 o'clock.
TED
Don't say 'check out' to a guy whose life is in danger. I left home without my American Express. Will you take a check?
Miss Hector shrugs.
CLERK
We'll work something out. I'll have your luggage taken up right away.
MISS HECTOR
Ted, I think I saw ---
TED
I guess he finally understood me.
Ted looks at the Clerk suspiciously.
TED
I'll bet he isn't really German.
MISS HECTOR
Will you listen to me for a minute?
TED
I don't have time. I have a date with an elephant.
Ted hurries off. With mild frustration Miss Hector watches Ted leave. She turns to the Clerk.
MISS HECTOR
Excuse me.
CLERK
(impeccable English)
May I help you, Madam?
MISS HECTOR
A few moments ago a young woman and a man went up that elevator.
CLERK
I'm sorry, Madam. I am not sure I know which couple you mean.
Miss Hector gestures with her hands — "big boobs."
CLERK
Oh, yes Madam. Mr. and Mrs. Johann Schmidt. Room 640.
MISS HECTOR
(smiling sweetly)
Thank you.
EXT. ZOO - DAY
Ted stands in front of the elephant's cage trying to look inconspicuous as he waits for Dorpov. He is approached by a Peanut Vendor. The Peanut Vendor offers to sell him some peanuts. Ted shakes his head no. The Peanut Vendor insists. Fearing a scene, Ted nods yes. He pays a few coins to the Vendor and accepts a bag of peanuts. The Vendor leaves. Ted idly opens the bag of peanuts. He empties several peanuts into his hand and stuffs the bag into his pocket. The elephant smells the peanuts and ambles over to Ted. Ted has his back to the cage and does not notice. The elephant's trunk taps Ted on the shoulder. Ted stiffens.
TED
(out of the side of his mouth)
I got the plans. You got the money?
Ted waits. No answer. He turns. Ted sees the elephant and chuckles at his mistake. The elephant rocks back and forth, as elephants do. Ted offers the elephant a peanut. Ted watches with satisfaction as the elephant eats the peanut, rocks back and forth, and then keels over dead. A small cloud of dust hits Ted. Ted stares in wonderment. He does a take at the peanuts in his hand. With a cry, he flings the peanuts to the ground. Ted looks around. A short distance away is the Peanut Vender, with Von Schiest, Hans, and three of Von Schiest's men. They point at Ted and begin running toward him. Ted doesn't need encouragement. He takes off running.
EXT. ZOO - DORPOV
From an adjacent vantage point, Dorpov watches Ted being chased by Von Schiest and his men. Dorpov is enjoying a picnic lunch and a bottle of wine as he watches.
DORPOV
How did he suspect the peanuts were poisoned? What an artist!
DIMITRI
Shouldn't we do something before Von Schiest kills him?
DROPOV
(laughing)
Von Schiest is no match for him. Why interfere and spoil the Chameleon's fun? Wtach and learn, boychick, watch and learn.
EXT. ZOO - TED
Ted has a lead on his pursuers. He runs past an electrician doing some work. Ted stops to grab a short piece of electrician's tape. Ted then dashes around the corner of the building. Von Schiest and his men run past the electrician and around the corner. They stop suddenly. Sitting on the bench before them are two people. One is Ted, with the electrician's tape clumsily slapped on his upper lip in a feeble attempt at disguise. He is reading a German newspaper upside-down. The other person on the bench is large blonde Brunhilda. Ted raises the newspaper to hide his face. Von Schiest reflects for a moment.
VON SCHIEST
Not this time, Chameleon.
Von Schiest and his men leap on Brunhilda. A royal battle ensues. Ted remains at his end of the bench, trying desparately to look inconspicuous. One of Von Schiest's men puts on brass knuckles and hits Brunhilda on the jaw. The brass knuckles shatter. Brunhilda and the men roll about on the ground. She is more than holding her own: she is beating the tar out of them. Von Schiest does a turn-around. He decides to join Brunhilda. Seeing how tough she is, he holds up Hans so that she can hit him again. Whe she's through pummelling Hans, Von Schiest reaches out to shake her hand like they are partners.
EXT. ZOO - DORPOV
Viewing the action through binoculars, Dorpov clucks his tongue appreciatively. He bites into a cracker smeared with caviar.
EXT. ZOO - FIGHT SCENE
Hans, like the rest of Von Schiest's men, is trying unsuccessfully to stand up after his beating. Hans manages to get to his feet, but staggers and falls against Ted, unconscious.
TED
(to himself)
They must be the ones who took Ariel.
Ted gets an idea. He quickly switches places with Hans. He takes Hans' hat and overcoat and props Hans up against the bench with the newspaper in his arms. He critically looks over the scene, then transfers the tape moustache to Hans' upper lip. Von Schiest's men are recovering from the battle, while Von Schiest himself has his head in a scrissors lock between Brunhilda's legs. As they roll about, Von Schiest's head disappears under Brunhilda's skirt.
VON SCHIEST
(muffled)
Wait! — Wait! — Hold on!
Brunhilda releases Von Schiest from the leg lock. His men stand in wary readiness to attack again. Von Schiest peeks out from beneath Brunhilda's dress.
VON SCHIEST
(indicating Brunhilda)
The Chameleon's good, but he's not this good. Get the other one!
The henchmen, including Ted, jump on the inert form of Hans. If he wasn't unconscious before, he certainly is now. After tying and gagging him, they lift Hans up and carry him off. Brunhilda watches the men depart, then looks at her watch.
BRUNHILDA
Oh, I'm late for my ballet rehearsal.
EXT ZOO - DORPOV
Dorpov watches Ted leaving with Von Schiest, confused.
DORPOV
(to Dimitri)
Why does the Chameleon want to go with Von Schiest?
DIMITRI
Is it a double-cross?
DORPOV
No, I do not think so. Come, let us follow.
EXT. LIMOUSINE
Vos Schiest and the others load the unconscious Hans into the limousine, then climb in after him. The car pulls out. Behind, Dorpov and Dimitri follow in another limousine.
INT. VON SCHIEST'S LIMOUSINE
In the back seat, Ted finds himself squeezed between Von Schiest and the Peanut Vendor. Hans, tied and gagged, is on the floor. They pass a Hitler look-alike in a parade-dress Nazi uniform sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The camera sees it, but the people in the car do not. Ted is having second thoughts about his idea, but now it is too late. He pulls the hat lower. Hans moans and stirs. Von Schiest thumps him on the head with the butt of his gun. Ted winces and tries to pull the hat lower still.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE
as the two limousines drive toward their destination.
INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY
Miss Hector is standing in front of room 640. She knocks.
STRANGER (o.s.)
(muffled)
Who's there?
MISS HECTOR
(German accent)
Ze maid. I haff come to clean haus.
The door opens.
INT. ROOM 640
Miss Hector enters the room. Ariel and the Stranger are sitting at a table playing gin rummy. Ariel looks up, puzzled. She doesn't know Miss Hector, but it is obvious she is not a maid. The Stranger looks, startled. He recognizes Miss Hector, and he knows this means trouble.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE
The limousines arrive at a castle overlooking the Rhine.
EXT. CASTLE
Von Schiest's limousine pulls into the courtyard of the castle. Dorpov's limousine pull up outside the castle and parks. The henchmen carry the unconscious Hans into the castle, accompanied by Ted and Von Schiest.
INT. CASTLE
In the great hall of the castle, Hans has been stuffed into a chair. The ropes are removed, but the gag remains. Von Schiest removes the gag. He stares at Hans. Ted starts looking about for an escape route.
VON SCHIEST
(to Hans)
Now, Chameleon, you've led us quite a chase, haven't you? But this time you will not escape.
He reaches over and rips off the electrician's tape moustache. Hans comes to.
HANS
Ow!
Ted tries to back up, but someone is behind him, blocking his escape. Von Schiest stares at Hans, puzzled. He turns to the others.
VON SCHIEST
The Chameleon looks just like Hans.
Hans rubs his lip.
HANS
Who did you expect, Jimmy Hoffa?
Von Schiest starts thinking. Something is wrong here. Evenyone stares at Hans for a moment. Then, the entire group slowly turns and faces Ted. Ted laughs feebly. Silently, the henchmen encircle Ted. Von Schiest steps forward and grabs Ted's hat off his head. Ted smiles sheepishly as the others close in menacingly.
VON SCHIEST
Ah ha! The Chameleon!
Ted removes his coat, then takes out his wallet to show his ID card.
TED
I'm not the Chameleon. I'm Ted Leadnibbler; just your ordinary accountant who came to Germany to risk his life to save a beautiful girl, that's all.
VON SCHIEST
No more games, Chameleon. I'm tired of punching the wrong people. Give me the plans.
TED
The only plan I know about is the European plan at my hotel.
Von Schiest is not amused.
VON SCHIEST
The plans — Now!
TED
Where's the girl?
VON SCHIEST
Give me the plans. Then we'll get you a girl.
Ted, his patience gone, flings the coat at Von Schiest's men. He leaps at Von Schiest and begins to throttle him.
TED
I want Ariel! I want my girl!
Ted and Von Schiest struggle.
VON SCHIEST
When we get through with you, you won't have any desire for girls.
Von Schiest's men pull Ted off of Von Schiest. Ted is flung against a suit of armor. The armor comes clanging down. Ted sees a mace and picks it up, swing it over his head.
TED
So you want to play games?
Unfortunately, the ball wraps itself around a small column. Ted gives one mighty heave to free it, and the column collapses. There is an ominous creaking sound, and a thin stream of dust filters down from the ceiling.
Disarmed, Ted now retreats. The Peanut Vendor leaps on Ted's back. With a roar, Ted puts the man through an airplane spin and flings him off.
Ted spots crossed lances attachéd to the wall. He springs to them and with a battle cry, attempts to yank one off the wall. The lances are permanently attachéd to the wall. Both lances and a large chuck of the wall detach themselves. More ominous groans from the castle and a fine filtering of dust.
Ted runs to the top of the stairs. Two men, covered with plaster dust and other debris, come after him.
There is a rope holding the chandelier, which Ted removes from the wall. He prepares to swing out across the great hall to the balcony on the other side. He gives the rope a tentative pull to see if it will support his weight. This causes a major portion of the ceiling to come down, accompanied by more structural groans.
Ted looks around. What to do? The two men are nearly to the top of the stairs. Ted spots a heavy statue in a niche in the wall. He removes the statue. The lead man has reached the last step before the top. Ted hands him the statue. The two men, plus the statue, are too much for the weakened stairs. The whole section collapses.
Ted ducks onto the balcony that runs along as a second level to the great hall. As he runs along the balcony he begins to huff. This is hard work. He stops short on seeing the Peanut Vendor coming at him. He looks about for something, anything. Nothing. In a moment of inspiration, Ted reaches into his pocket and pulls out the bag of poisoned peanuts. The Peanut Vendor stops short. Ted advances on the Peanut Vendor, holding the peanuts menacingly in front of him. The Peanut Vendor, his eyes on the peanut, begins to back up. Suddenly, he finds himself on the edge of the balcony. Frantically, he grabs at a gargoyle sticking out of the wall. It pulls loose and the gargoyle and the Peanut Vendor disappear over the side. More sounds of structural stress as parts of the wall follow the Peanut Vendor and the gargoyle over the side.
Ted re-enters the great hall. He leans against a wall to catch his breath. The wall falls over, revealing Von Schiest on the other side. Von Schiest levels his gun at Ted.
VON SCHIEST
Enough.
Ted raises his hands. Von Schiest moves toward Ted. Ted backs up until he is against the wall. Next to Ted is a cannon. On the wall is a burning torch.
TED
Where is Ariel?
Von Schiest ignores the question.
VON SCHIEST
Now, Chameleon. Give me the plans.
Ted reaches into his coat. Von Schiest makes a motion with the gun to indicate that Ted had better move slowly. Ted brings out the brown computer confession envelope.
TED
If I don't get Ariel, I burn the plans.
Ted touches the envelope to the wall torch and it bursts into flames.
TED
(triumphant)
Here are your plans, turning to ashes.
VON SCHIEST
(coldly)
If those plans burn, I'll make a rump roast out of your butt.
Ted frantically tries to beat out the flames by pounding the envelope on the cannon. One ember lands on the touch-hole of the cannon. It sputters to life momentarily. Then there is a mighty explosion.
MONTAGE - TED'S LIFE
as it flashes before his eyes. He sees a series of faces from his life, all soft focus ECUs with an extreme wide angle lens. During the montage, the sound of the castle disintegrating continues in the background. The face of a Doctor, with a surgical mask:
DOCTOR
Mrs. Leadnibbler, we're still awaiting the results of the tests, but we think you just had a boy.
MRS. LEADNIBBLER
Dammit! I wanted a girl.
The face of a little-league Coach:
COACH
Billy, shortstop. Bobby, pitcher. Jimmy, third base. Teddy, you keep score.
The face of a pretty teenage Girl:
GIRL
I can't go out with you, Ted. My father doesn't want you around here. He says your acne scares the dog.
The face of a Japanese Soldier:
SOLDIER
Wait! Not you. We don't want you even as a prisoner.
The face of Ted's Psychiatrist:
PSYCHIATRIST
After six and a half years as your analyst, I'm starting to know the real you — Ralph.
Finally, Ariel's face appears. She moistens her lips:
ARIEL
How about a few Gs for cab fare?
Through the bug-eye lens, her smile seems grotesque. A hand extends into the shot and carefully and slowly shoves Ariel's face aside. Miss Hector, looking lovely, smiles at Ted.
MISS HECTOR
You'd have done the same thing for me.
Ted blacks out.
EXT. CASTLE
Outside the castle, Dorpov stares in wonder as the entire place collapses. He walks over to the pile of rubble that had been the castle. The dust and smoke are still in the air. He takes his hat off and places it over his heart.
DORPOV
(saddened)
Chameleon, I salute you.
As replaces his hat, he sees something in the rubble. He clambers up on the pile of rubble. He leans over, and there he sees the "Top Secret" envelope. Dorpov reaches for it, but it appears to be caught on something. He sees the envelope is still being held in a hand. Most of the hand is covered with rock. Nothing else can be seen. Distastefully, Dorpov tugs the envelope free with his left hand while his right hand applies leverage against the buried hand. He pauses to look at the envelope.
DORPOV
(admiringly)
Yes, Chameleon, you were a man of your word to the end.
The buried hand shakes Horpov's hand, scaring the daylights out of him.
TED (o.s.)
(muffled)
Do you mind? You're standing on my future baby dispenser.
Ted emerges from the rubble, coughing and spitting dust. Dorpov stares at him with open-mouthed admiration.
DORPOV
Chameleon!
Ted starts dusting himself off.
TED
These old places are murder.
DORPOV
Nothing you have ever done can match what you did today. There is no doubt, you are the greatest spy who ever lived.
Dorpov dusts off the envelope and peers inside.
TED
I should have gotten Ariel out of there. I got her into this.
DORPOV
Ariel? You mean that blonde bombshell?
Dorpov removes the plans from the envelope.
TED
She was beautiful.
Dorpov scans the plans, then returns them to the envelope.
DORPOV
Was and is. She's alive and well back at your hotel.
TED
Huh?
DORPOV
You can't kid a kidder. You knew she was a hireling of the CIA. Fifty thousand for one telephone call. Not bad, heh? But how you toyed with them. Pretending to believe her.
Ted finally realizes.
TED
She wasn't in danger.
Dorpov waves the envelope.
DORPOV
Come. The three million dollar delivery fee is in the car. I'll give you a ride. We'll drink a little vodka; talk a little shop.
They arrive at Dorpov's limousine. Dimitri uses his whisk broom to dust Ted's clothes.
DORPOV
When we get this earthquake bomb unfurled, there won't be dry underwear in the free world. A toast!
With the earthquake bomb we'll move the earth,
New York will soon become Fort Worth,
They'll look above for missile attacks
Then fall below in earthquake cracks.
TED
(toasting)
You may level our cities to rubble somehow, But they'll still look better than Moscow.
Ted starts to laugh at his toast, then the laugh trails off to nothing as he realizes it wasn't appreciated. As they drive off in the limo, there is the sound of breaking glasses from within, and the exhaust pipe belches flames.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
As Ted enters the suite, the Stranger is on guard outside the door. Ted is carrying the new suitcase filled with money. He finds both Miss Hector and Ariel waiting for him.
MISS HECTOR
Ted! Are you OK?
TED
I'm OK. I was just shot at, was in a high-speed chase, had my life threatened, and had a castle fall on my face. Just a typical week for a tourist in Germany.
MISS HECTOR
Well, at least you didn't lose your American Express checks. Did you get hurt from the castle falling on you?
TED
I guess I'm alright — maybe just a little gothic poisoning. Cheap construction. — But I'm OK.
(to Ariel)
Anyway, it was worth saving myself for a great gal like you, Ariel. Are you all right?
Ariel makes her play.
ARIEL
I am now — now that I know you're safe.
MISS HECTOR
Are you kidding?
(to Ted)
She was in cahoots with Mister Unimportant — the tri-letter man. They are paying her!
TED
I know.
Miss Hector looks surprized. Ariel reacts, expecting the worst.
ARIEL
How did you find out?
TED
I read it in some alphabet soup that a gypsy gave me.
ARIEL
(defensive)
Look, I needed the money. I'm still making payments on my breast reduction operation.
MISS HECTOR
You better sue the doctor.
ARIEL
Ted, you know you love me — you've always loved me.
Ted looks at Miss Hector.
MISS HECTOR
(gallantly)
Look, Ted. I don't want to make it hard for you. Do whatever you want.
TED
I know what I want!
The conversation is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flushing. The bathroom door opens and the Agent steps into the room. He approaches Ted.
TED
What were you doing in there, spying on a Soviet toilet tank?
AGENT
Leadnibbler, good show! We knew you could pull it off. But I have to talk with you about the money. It's not what you think.
ARIEL
I knew this klutz would blow the money. It figures.
TED
(to the Agent)
In a minute. I've got something far more important to take care of first.
Ted crosses to Ariel. He takes her hands in his. After a moment's pause:
TED
I fell in love with your travel posters. It turns out they have more heart and feelings than you do. I would have married your poster but it's hard to find a priest who will marry you to paper.
ARIEL
(interrupting)
Hold it, sonny. I'll make it easy for you. I'm splitting.
(to the Agent)
You were talking money, Mister USA? The Agent steps forward.
AGENT
Yeah, I almost forgot. He hands Ariel an envelope.
AGENT
Here's your $50,000.
Ariel, immediately satisfied, takes the money, smiles pleasantly at everyone, and moves toward the door. She pauses for a moment in the threshold.
ARIEL
(to Ted)
So long — accountant. At least I got something to count.
Ariel holds up her envelope.
ARIEL
Have fun at the sucker's convention.
Ariel spins out, slamming the door behind herself. Ted turns to look at Miss Hector.
TED
I'd say she had a broken heart, but how do you break steel?
MISS HECTOR
She'll make someone a lovely housewife.
Ted moves to Miss Hector's side and places his arm around her waist.
TED
(tongue-in-cheek)
Even the best of us secret agents are sometimes slow picking up clues. Don't you owe me a candle-lit dinner at that French restaurant that serves octopus?
The Agent clears his throat.
TED
(to the Agent)
There's the rest of your money. It's all yours.
Ted points to the suitcases sitting on the floor. Ted returns to nuzzling Miss Hector.
AGENT
Not exactly ---
Ted and Miss Hector exchange a look of "what now?"
AGENT
It's all yours.
TED
Mine?
MISS HECTOR
His?
AGENT
Yep, all of it, along with the other four million. The — ah, people I work for don't want anything to do with it, so it's all yours.
TED
What about the IRS?
AGENT
We've created a complete history for you to explain how you have all that money. Just like the Chameleon would have done it. Keep up appearances. The Chameleon lives in style — has fun — travels — enjoys.
The Agent pauses and rubs his hands together.
AGENT
Now, if you'll excuse me, I just happen to know a rich blonde who might be free tonight.
The Agent heads for the door.
AGENT
Like I said, kids, live it up!
Ted and Miss Hector embrace. Lovingly, they walk out to the balcony.
MISS HECTOR
Well, Ted. I guess you'll never have to screw around with the Frobisher account anymore. It looks like you've got what you wanted. Your life has really changed.
TED
Correction, Nancy. Our lives. Funny what it takes to have your eyes opened to the truth: Death threats, spies, intrigue. But I like the way it turned out — with you. Maybe we can have the company computer be our best man. Just one thing ---
MISS HECTOR
(smiling)
Anything you say.
TED
From now on, if you don't mind, I'll make all the andwiches.
EXT. HOTEL BALCONY
They step out onto the balcony to view the city below them and the last rays of the sunset. They embrace and kiss. The camera pulls back showing them on the balcony. The camera continues to pull back. We see the Lizard, spread-eagled on the wall of the hotel.
THE END